no doubt

(I have a tendency to type up something then post it later. This was written 4.30.10.)

Doubt is sometimes a fierce enemy. It arrives so casually disguised that it blends with your family, your work and all common ways of life. It can even become so familiar you start to believe it's your good friend who keeps you reasonable and far from danger. Well, I kicked Doubt out of my house this morning. It started telling me that I was not doing as well as I could, and that my talents were failing me and I wasn't trying hard enough. It's one thing for doubt to keep me from trying something risky...but to try to tell me who I am, and what I'm capable of and what my purpose is??? I can be just as fierce, Doubt. I know you'll probably come back, but I know better now what you look like.

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There are a couple of high school seniors who want to raise money for the Mission with a ping pong tournament. They didn't know that UGM had a designer on staff that could help promote their event. One of the boys had drawn up a poster by hand and was going to make copies to hang, but was glad to turn the project over to me. But I told him I liked his poster. There were a couple of things I could help with to make the poster communicate the message more clearly, but I was inspired by his original and playful illustration. Somewhere along the line of adding fresh typography to the poster, I felt thankful for my job and the unique opportunities I get to help others. My projects are so diverse. One might be a direct ask on a billboard to help the homeless and poor of Spokane, and the next is making wallet-size meal punch cards for the guys who come to the Mission hungry. They might not look very exciting next to some of the edgy and new design work out there. And that's usually when I start to doubt. When I read blogs and look through creative magazines I feel rather unoriginal and stale. But the people I design for are so grateful, encouraged and surprised by my work. They feel honored, of all things! They say, "How did we get so lucky to have someone like you work for us?" And I blush because how on Earth do they really think that? They obviously don't look at design magazines and blogs. But I'm their designer. And I love them. And I will bust my butt to do an excellent job on their projects. Their affection for me and my work makes me so thankful for what I do. And if this is where God wants me, he can do wonders with me.

Here is the Ping Pong poster and the banner before I added a couple last pieces of information. Jake and Keinyn raised $150. That will provide 85-90 meals at the mission. I love young hearts for the poor.

Batik in the Suite!

I've been meaning to post these pictures of the SECOND batik added to the walls of the office. My office-roomie, Barb, just purchased this original called "A Father's Blessing". I am so happy that we are adding such beautiful color to our room that needs that constant creative stimulation to keep us producing quality work. Our creative suite is turning into a cultural display of art!

Our next goal is painting the wall behind this batik a dark coffee brown (because the higher-ups weren't a big fan of red).

If you haven't seen the batik on the wall above my desk go here.

I'm blue.

My heart is a little achy today. It started last night as I lay Oliver down for bed and he didn't want me to leave his side until he fell asleep. So I just laid there as he played with my hands and murmured "Mommy. Mommy." until his eyes closed and his breathing grew deep. I bawled as silently as I could. And I prayed, "Lord if there is any way I can be a stay-at-home mom again, please make a way." That's the first time I've prayed that or even said it out loud since I started my job at UGM. I love my job and the people I work with and how it has connected me to Spokane. I love how much I've learned about serving the poor and homeless. I love the passion it has given me for others. But there is one thing I hate: being away from Oliver. But I am SO blessed to have a job that will allow me to work from home two days of the week. Otherwise I might not have lasted this long. I am thankful, but I am aching. And I suppose that ache has always been there, but suddenly I can't hold it back and be strong anymore. I've spoken to Shane twice today on the phone and both times he says that Oliver keeps saying, "Mommy, home. Mommy, home." Surely Shane knows this is killing me and making my eyes water and be unproductive! I don't know what's going to happen. Because I don't see myself leaving this job for some time. But I just want my family and friends to know that if there is one thing not so great in my life right now...it's that mother-child separation that people go through at different times in their life. I was hoping I wouldn't experience that pain until he left for college...or even his first day of school. But not now when he's barely able to utter sentences. How am I supposed to stay strong anymore?


Well, my supervisor just walked in and saw me crying. Not what I wanted to happen...but it opened up a really good conversation. I am thankful to have people around me who are so supportive and understanding. I am thankful that I work in an environment where I can comfortably be honest. He asked if I needed to do something. I told him I am not going to do anything right now because I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I have no plans to leave my job. But I am glad he knows how I feel. It makes it easier than holding it all in. We'll see what sort of changes take place in the future, but right now I cannot see what those changes will be.

Batik

Shane made a beautiful frame for a batik we bought while in Indonesia. One of my favorite days was when we spent time in the market shopping for souvenirs to take home. I especially loved the little shops/homes with batiks and other artwork for sale on the walls. The styles are so different than what I'm used to. Shane is letting me hang this batik (we bought 3 altogether) in my office just to brighten the atmosphere and stimulate those of us in "the creative suite". I also keep the small canvas bag that held my favorite coffee from the Losari plantation to remind me of my adventures in a foreign land.

uGm. A New Mark.

Sometimes I write blogs but never post them because I'm not sure I want the world to know exactly what I'm going through. It helps to write out feelings and thoughts and then put them away until later when you can look back on the circumstance and be thankful it passed and life has moved on. Well, I just received a phone call that reminded me of an old blog I never posted. I'll share the entry first and then the good news I just received.

May 12, 2009

I suppose there’s somewhat of a frustration gurgling inside me. I’m brainstorming constantly. I keep waking up in the night with crappy logo ideas and then mentally kicking myself before falling asleep again. I just bought and read through Jeff Fisher’s book Identity Crisis and I learned a lot. But I found a few of the redesigned identities featured to be boring and unoriginal. So, shouldn’t I be able to come up with something not boring and unoriginal if I’m able to identify the ones that are?? But I can’t! All my pages of sketches and hours of creative brainstorming have left me feeling like I’m not very creative and I’m cheesy and boring. So maybe I should just create something that’s expected. Why does it have to be way amazing and completely new and exciting anyway?? Maybe I set a standard for myself that’s too high. A standard I am incapable of meeting.

And the fact that my boss wants to see my progress and be in on what’s going on in my head makes me nervous and frustrated as ever. Because if I were to show him my sketchbook right now or even try to explain my ideas I don’t think I could explain them at all. In fact…I don’t think I even have any ideas! My thoughts are not organized enough to even begin to lay them out for someone. So the whole organization has put their trust in me to create a visual identity. And if you think of how huge of a responsibility that is…particularly for a place that is doing such an amazing work in their community, then maybe you can imagine how heavy my shoulders feel right now.

Ok…simultaneously I am completely aware that God is in this and He is ultimately the One we are putting trust in for our identity. He is the one who gives me creativity, so it is not myself and my own mind I should be leaning on. So, I know this…and I know he has called me to this place and has His hand on me. But how do I keep working and sketching and moving forward with the creative crap I keep producing??? I can design a flyer, a poster, a brochure, a newsletter. But a logo is sooo completely different and encompasses a lot more than just one area or focus of the organization. How can you put everything about UGM into one small mark? I’ve done so much research and so much reading, interviewing, thinking, thinking, thinking. And I’m just waiting for that amazing revelation? Is that ridiculous or what? Persevere.

Back to present time

Well, I did persevere...and I came up with a brand new logo and identity for Union Gospel Mission Spokane. I had that "revelation" in church actually...right after I asked the church to pray for this process I was going through. I doodled on the bulletin because it was impossible to turn off my brainstorming process at that point. It was too easy. But brilliant. And the more I stared at it the more it made sense. The more it told the bigger story of UGM. Well, I've come a long way in a few short months and it has been frustrating to get this logo out there and we're trying to apply this new look to every little detail on the small donation-based income of UGM.

Well, the good news that I received happend to be that a generous investor is donating a large sum specifically toward UGM's rebranding process. Praise God, He is so faithful. We don't have to settle now for the cheapest quality of everything. We're going to put our new look out there and show our best face. Spokane will not be able to ignore the work we do for the poor and homeless.

Lord, make this logo shine. Thank You for always doing great things here and letting me be a part of it all.

Role Reversal

It sure is different being a career mom and giving Shane the responsibility of the stay-at-home parent. But I really like it. I keep saying this, but I feel so in my element. I feel like I'm flourishing as a person now. I honestly don't seem as drained and frustrated as when I was home every day with Oliver. I loved it...but it was such a challenge for me, and I really learned a lot. Hopefully I'll be somewhat more prepared for the next kid. But I keep hearing that since every kid is so different there's no way to prepare and be ready for it.

Oliver is adjusting really well too. In fact, he's always been able to adapt to his surroundings rather easily. When I say goodbye he just smiles and watches me go. When I see him after work (Shane brings him to my office while I finish things up), he acts like it's all so normal. But he is a lot more cuddly that time of day. :)

Shane seems to really enjoy focusing so much time on Oliver. He's motivated to teach him and discipline him. I think he's realizing how much work it really is though. And that taking care of a kid and keeping house does not leave time for much else. Perhaps remodeling a home will not be as easy as we thought...it will probably be a longer process (which might be better anyway to sit on a house right now while the market is in this state).

All in all, we're really feeling good about the role-changes. Shane is so supportive of my work and says he can't believe how perfect it is for me...for us. We're moving into a small apartment this weekend that will buy us some time before we decide on a home to purchase. There are a lot of changes still ahead...and we're ready.