Vitamins & Sleep

If you are feeling depressed and you can't pinpoint why, consider the possibility that you just need to take some vitamins. Also consider what basic needs are not being met...such as sleep. It's amazing what these two factors contribute to our mindset and overall disposition. This has been an important lesson for me with all the changes my body goes through - growing babies, nursing babies, not nursing anymore, growing another baby, and so on (hormonal changes aren't limited to puberty and menopause?!). So  when I started wallowing in self pity last night when I couldn't think of a good username for a Pinterest account, I said to myself, "Jess…you didn't take your prenatal vitamin today and past experience tells me that when you miss a day on those vitamins you are not yourself. Besides, evenings are always hard for you mentally as it is. You just need to take your vitamins and get some sleep."

The whole evening I felt pretty down and out but decided not to drag my husband into it with some lengthy, tear-filled discussion on my identity and what is it really that makes me any different or unique to anyone else in this world and why do I feel so boring??

Hallelujah, morning came. Despite a rough start to the morning (spilled cereal and poopy pants...not mine), I managed to make it to work feeling like my normal self. In fact within an hour at the office I was feeling pretty optimistic and energetic. I'm so thankful I have this awareness of my mental/emotional limitations when my physical needs are not met. This will take me far…and my marriage as well, I'm sure. The awareness doesn't make you suddenly able to shrug things off. It's just helpful in maintaining self control. Rationalizing never makes the emotions go away. But it helps you look at them more objectively and find solid ways to manage them.

There's my advice to any woman going through hormonal changes (does it ever end?). Take some vitamins and sleep. Eating healthy and exercising is probably important too. But I can't do everything all the time, sheesh.

By the way….23 days 'til baby girl's due date. :)

So I Can Remember

I'm 16 weeks pregnant with little to no time to reflect or make special notes about what makes this pregnancy unique. I kept a pregnancy and first year baby book for both Oliver and Benjamin. It was more difficult with Benjamin to keep records, and it's even more difficult now. I want to show this little one that I paid attention and dreamed about meeting him or her, but mostly I want to remember.

Things are different, that's for sure. I'm less anxious about the pregnancy and delivery. I've only partially given up coffee. I don't drink it in the mornings, but I'll occasionally have a cup in the afternoon when exhaustion starts to take over. Reading blogs on Google Reader has taken the place of morning coffee. My wheels start turning and it gets my mind off of warm blankets and comfy pillows.

One funny quirk that has never happened to me is that I have to check the calendar every week to remember how far along I am. I hesitate when people ask me. Yesterday I told someone I was 20 weeks. Hahaha. It really is too bad that a woman's brain has to shrink during pregnancy. It's an "unavoidable biological phenomenon."

I can't remember if I was this emotional for my other pregnancies. But anything and everything will put a lump in my throat and bring tears to my eyes. I'm actually enjoying it because the last one and a half years I found it hard to cry at all, even when I wanted to. Maybe being the only girl in the house is toughening me up a bit, I don't know. But I started to miss being able to let it all out and then move on. When I don't cry, the emotions linger way too long and I just get grumpy.

I'm experiencing a strong desire to be domestic and my daily desires revolve around baking, keeping house and taking my kids to the library or park. My eyes sting with tears of envy when I hear about moms who work their butts off cleaning the house and preparing lunches. This is the hardest part about pregnancy because I do not have the energy for housework or cooking when I get home from work. I collapse on the couch and try to be enthusiastic for the kids. They're very sweet about it and are usually satisfied with cuddling in the hammock outside or reading books when I get home.

I'll just let another tear fall, roll my eyes at myself and half-laugh. Here's a dreamy (at least to me) poem I read during my morning ritual today from my favorite blog as of late, Mama:Monk.

Finding A Long Gray Hair

by Jane Kenyon

I scrub the long floorboards
in the kitchen, repeating
the motions of other women
who have lived in this house.
And when I find a long gray hair
floating in the pail,
I feel my life added to theirs.

Oh, and according to The Bump, little baby is the size of an avocado. That's cute.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/umamigirl/4628704535/sizes/o/in/photostream/

My 3 year old

Oliver is 3 now. He's so big! And so little.

Three is the age I started to retain memories of life.
My dad says he remembers his kids most when we were two and three.
There's a sweet innocence and an excitement for life and learning.
People say that time flies and your kids are grown before you know it. But I don't exactly feel like these last few years have flown by. Instead I feel like Oliver has always been a part of my life. My life before him is so distant and seems decades ago. The girl I was before him seems so vastly different. My emotions, my motives, my strongest desires have changed.

One thing I realized this past week is that I used to think I knew what intense emotion was. I used to think I knew what it was like to experience love and attachment to its fullest. But I had NO IDEA the intensity of emotion and love I would experience when becoming a parent. It's the kind of intensity you can die from. That's how it feels. It's amazing. And it started with Oliver 3 years ago. My existence will never be the same.

I'm yours forever, Oliver.

How do I live?

Today I can't stop the tears.

I had an emotional dream and wrote it down in my prayer journal even though it wasn't a prayer. Maybe later I'll share it. I woke up in relief that I was with Shane. That I chose him and he chose me. So much relief that I cried on his shoulder and shared with him the dream. He was relieved as well...mostly that I was crying tears of happiness and not sadness.

But then something else happened. On our way to church someone ran a red light at full speed and missed hitting us by 1 to 2 seconds. They would have t-boned us on the driver's side seriously injuring Shane and Oliver...maybe even killing them. Once again I was flooded with relief. I just cried and thanked God all the way to church and all through the service. Life can end in an instant. But somehow I am still walking this Earth with those I love next to me. How does it make you feel to know that in some cases, our life is completely out of our hands?

Personally, I feel like a piece of glass falling from the sky. Eventually I'll hit the ground. It's everyone's end. But more so, I feel a greater responsibility for what is in my hands. God has given me great gifts. I am thankful, SO THANKFUL. But I am also responsible. My awareness of life and its high value was heightened today. Every second is like pure water to me. How often do I experience life in this way?

___________________
Added later:
Just after I wrote this I read my friend's blog and felt like it was so closely related to what I am going through today. Read it here.

I'm blue.

My heart is a little achy today. It started last night as I lay Oliver down for bed and he didn't want me to leave his side until he fell asleep. So I just laid there as he played with my hands and murmured "Mommy. Mommy." until his eyes closed and his breathing grew deep. I bawled as silently as I could. And I prayed, "Lord if there is any way I can be a stay-at-home mom again, please make a way." That's the first time I've prayed that or even said it out loud since I started my job at UGM. I love my job and the people I work with and how it has connected me to Spokane. I love how much I've learned about serving the poor and homeless. I love the passion it has given me for others. But there is one thing I hate: being away from Oliver. But I am SO blessed to have a job that will allow me to work from home two days of the week. Otherwise I might not have lasted this long. I am thankful, but I am aching. And I suppose that ache has always been there, but suddenly I can't hold it back and be strong anymore. I've spoken to Shane twice today on the phone and both times he says that Oliver keeps saying, "Mommy, home. Mommy, home." Surely Shane knows this is killing me and making my eyes water and be unproductive! I don't know what's going to happen. Because I don't see myself leaving this job for some time. But I just want my family and friends to know that if there is one thing not so great in my life right now...it's that mother-child separation that people go through at different times in their life. I was hoping I wouldn't experience that pain until he left for college...or even his first day of school. But not now when he's barely able to utter sentences. How am I supposed to stay strong anymore?


Well, my supervisor just walked in and saw me crying. Not what I wanted to happen...but it opened up a really good conversation. I am thankful to have people around me who are so supportive and understanding. I am thankful that I work in an environment where I can comfortably be honest. He asked if I needed to do something. I told him I am not going to do anything right now because I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I have no plans to leave my job. But I am glad he knows how I feel. It makes it easier than holding it all in. We'll see what sort of changes take place in the future, but right now I cannot see what those changes will be.

Love > Happiness

I hate feeling low or sad or unmotivated. Waves of these feelings occasionally come over me and I often cannot figure out why or where they came from. It seems so out of nowhere and I think to myself, “I have no reason whatsoever to feel like this.” It used to really bother me that this would happen because I can’t pinpoint a cause or prevent it from happening. Then thoughts of  “am I depressed? do I need help? what’s wrong with me?” annoy the heck out of me and only make it worse. Well, I just had another one of those moments and then I miraculously had a thought that was really helpful to the moment and will be in the future if I don’t forget it.

“So what if you don’t feel on top of the world right now. That’s more than okay. In fact, it’s healthy.”

Oh…well, thanks. I can move on now. That was easy.

I like my feelings. Even the ones that aren’t enjoyable. They are true to life and are a part of what keeps me sane actually. And even if society and the media make us think life is about being happy…it’s not. In fact that is a huge lie that I wish I could erase from this earth. Life is not about happiness. Life is bigger than that, and this past year I have had a chance to really see what is more than happiness. Love. Sacrifice. Jesus even said “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” The greatest man to walk the earth did not live for happiness. That’s awesome. And the reason we receive so much joy from putting the lives of others before our own is because it’s right. Because it is more important and critical than happiness itself. So I’m putting happiness on a shelf and letting it happen when it happens. I’m not going to reach for it. It exists and sometimes it doesn’t. I have more important and meaningful things to pour myself into. Happy  Best New Year.

Illinois, night time stress and emotionally amazing

So much for regularly updating this thing. Well, it has been a busy month. We spent two weeks in October in Illinois visiting all my family. It was the first time Oliver met them. You see, Illinois is like a vacuum and it sucks people in to where they rarely or never leave. Only few escape. So my family has yet to see where we live in the Northwest. And that’s why they had never met Oliver. It was a very precious 2 weeks though. I felt like a piece of my puzzle finally fit. The family knows how wonderful he really is.

He’s walking now, for those who don’t know. And running. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He just now found me hiding in this dark room with the computer and is begging for my attention in just his diaper and a big grin. So this may or may not get posted tonight. I love to watch him toddle around. Now he’s on my lap captivated by the glow of the screen.

I’d say that motherhood is not necessarily less demanding these days...although Oliver easily entertains himself. The hardest part right now is night time. He’s waking up several times crying and since I’m weaning him from nursing at night, it makes it even more stressful. Last night he woke up about 5 or 6 times. But it could be that his 3 tooth (top left) is poking through. Poor guy. (....poor me!)

I think it’s amazing how close we’ve become. Although he is not as physically dependent as a newborn...he needs me emotionally right now. And that makes me feel AWESOME. In fact, I’m probably a lot more capable of meeting someone’s emotional needs than I am with the physical. I just feel like I’m likely to make a lot more mistakes....like not feed him enough, or teach him the wrong disciplines and methods of sleeping or socializing. But I’m totally amazing at being the one who understands or encourages or empathizes. You probably wouldn’t want to be stuck on a deserted island with someone like me. Unlesss, of course, you would rather talk than eat or survive. Then pick me. But I am a good helper. If you know what to do on the island to survive...I would do anything to back you up and keep you going. Haha....anywaaaayy. Way off subject.