Vitamins & Sleep

If you are feeling depressed and you can't pinpoint why, consider the possibility that you just need to take some vitamins. Also consider what basic needs are not being met...such as sleep. It's amazing what these two factors contribute to our mindset and overall disposition. This has been an important lesson for me with all the changes my body goes through - growing babies, nursing babies, not nursing anymore, growing another baby, and so on (hormonal changes aren't limited to puberty and menopause?!). So  when I started wallowing in self pity last night when I couldn't think of a good username for a Pinterest account, I said to myself, "Jess…you didn't take your prenatal vitamin today and past experience tells me that when you miss a day on those vitamins you are not yourself. Besides, evenings are always hard for you mentally as it is. You just need to take your vitamins and get some sleep."

The whole evening I felt pretty down and out but decided not to drag my husband into it with some lengthy, tear-filled discussion on my identity and what is it really that makes me any different or unique to anyone else in this world and why do I feel so boring??

Hallelujah, morning came. Despite a rough start to the morning (spilled cereal and poopy pants...not mine), I managed to make it to work feeling like my normal self. In fact within an hour at the office I was feeling pretty optimistic and energetic. I'm so thankful I have this awareness of my mental/emotional limitations when my physical needs are not met. This will take me far…and my marriage as well, I'm sure. The awareness doesn't make you suddenly able to shrug things off. It's just helpful in maintaining self control. Rationalizing never makes the emotions go away. But it helps you look at them more objectively and find solid ways to manage them.

There's my advice to any woman going through hormonal changes (does it ever end?). Take some vitamins and sleep. Eating healthy and exercising is probably important too. But I can't do everything all the time, sheesh.

By the way….23 days 'til baby girl's due date. :)

So I Can Remember

I'm 16 weeks pregnant with little to no time to reflect or make special notes about what makes this pregnancy unique. I kept a pregnancy and first year baby book for both Oliver and Benjamin. It was more difficult with Benjamin to keep records, and it's even more difficult now. I want to show this little one that I paid attention and dreamed about meeting him or her, but mostly I want to remember.

Things are different, that's for sure. I'm less anxious about the pregnancy and delivery. I've only partially given up coffee. I don't drink it in the mornings, but I'll occasionally have a cup in the afternoon when exhaustion starts to take over. Reading blogs on Google Reader has taken the place of morning coffee. My wheels start turning and it gets my mind off of warm blankets and comfy pillows.

One funny quirk that has never happened to me is that I have to check the calendar every week to remember how far along I am. I hesitate when people ask me. Yesterday I told someone I was 20 weeks. Hahaha. It really is too bad that a woman's brain has to shrink during pregnancy. It's an "unavoidable biological phenomenon."

I can't remember if I was this emotional for my other pregnancies. But anything and everything will put a lump in my throat and bring tears to my eyes. I'm actually enjoying it because the last one and a half years I found it hard to cry at all, even when I wanted to. Maybe being the only girl in the house is toughening me up a bit, I don't know. But I started to miss being able to let it all out and then move on. When I don't cry, the emotions linger way too long and I just get grumpy.

I'm experiencing a strong desire to be domestic and my daily desires revolve around baking, keeping house and taking my kids to the library or park. My eyes sting with tears of envy when I hear about moms who work their butts off cleaning the house and preparing lunches. This is the hardest part about pregnancy because I do not have the energy for housework or cooking when I get home from work. I collapse on the couch and try to be enthusiastic for the kids. They're very sweet about it and are usually satisfied with cuddling in the hammock outside or reading books when I get home.

I'll just let another tear fall, roll my eyes at myself and half-laugh. Here's a dreamy (at least to me) poem I read during my morning ritual today from my favorite blog as of late, Mama:Monk.

Finding A Long Gray Hair

by Jane Kenyon

I scrub the long floorboards
in the kitchen, repeating
the motions of other women
who have lived in this house.
And when I find a long gray hair
floating in the pail,
I feel my life added to theirs.

Oh, and according to The Bump, little baby is the size of an avocado. That's cute.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/umamigirl/4628704535/sizes/o/in/photostream/

Benjamin's Arrival

Monday evening I went to bed assuming that baby's due date, September 14, would come and go and soon be forgotten. Last Friday's OB appointment gave me reason to think this baby might wait another week. 10:00 p.m. rolled around and I was still trying to get comfortable in bed when I experienced the first of many painful contractions. By 6:00 a.m. Oliver was up and eating breakfast and my contractions were 8 minutes apart. I woke Shane and Amanda up so we could get ready for the hospital, trying to not be too excited in case my uterus was just faking it. I've heard so many stories about labor not really being labor and it seemed too good to be true for this baby to come on his due date.

Unlike my first labor experience (3.5 hour drive, 6 inches of slush and trees in the road) we only had a 15 minute drive to the hospital and even had time to swing by the Mission for Shane to drop off some paper work and inform the folks there that I would not be coming in for work. Contractions: 6 minutes apart. We arrived at the OBGYN clinic so my cervix could be checked. I was so fearful of the doctor saying I was only 2 centimeters and would have to go back home until I was REALLY in labor. This had to be real labor. It certainly felt like it and I have been more than ready for awhile now. C'mon baby, let's do this!

Thankfully, I was 5 centimeters and almost completely effaced. YES. We got to the hospital and experienced a very real deja vu as they directed us to the exact same room Oliver was born in and told us I was the only patient in the labor ward....same as when we were here December 24, 2007. Artie, my nurse, thoughtfully studied my birth plan. And thankfully this labor was different in that I felt like the nurses and my doctor let things move along without giving much input unless I asked for it. I was fortunate to have been the only patient the entire day. The staff didn't seem rushed or preoccupied at all. Time ticked and I dilated very slowly. Contractions were fairly easy to get through. I didn't even need Shane to lean on for most of the day and Oliver and Amanda were able to stay in the room with us. The atmosphere stayed pretty calm for a long time. Oliver was such a good kid. The nurses complimented him over and over. He was happy with his Curious George books and his little DVD player. And to tell you the truth, having Oliver in the room really relaxed me. His little happy heart was a great comfort. I wanted him close as long as possible. My friend Ruth showed up some time after lunch bringing fruit, crackers and sandwiches (the crackers were the only thing I could touch). She came to support me in whatever way she could and immediately stepped into a helpful role that I didn't even know I needed. She gave me incredible back rubs, foot rubs, braided my hair and talked with me about her labor experience. I'm not one to ask for extra help, but it has been offered so much lately and I assume it's because I need it. I just don't always know it. I didn't know my back was so tense and how comforting it would be to have someone play with my hair. She was a sister when mine could not be there.

Similar to my labor with Oliver, my water did not break. And labor was slow. I decided at 8 centimeters and after about 20 hours of labor it was time for my doctor to break my water. Contractions were becoming intense and I was losing energy. I didn't have breakfast or lunch or dinner that day and was surviving off of yogurt, crackers and sips of juice from earlier. But now it was just ice chips for me and two incredible coaches to hold me through. I didn't realize how important Shane and Ruth would be, but in those last few hours I needed them as close as possible. They were keeping me focused, keeping me sane and loving me as much as they could. After the doctor broke my water he said I was almost ready to start pushing and I could do some smaller pushes to practice and sort of test myself to see how ready I felt. I decided to try small pushes as the urges became stronger and it actually felt really good. I felt less pain and it seemed to give me more energy as I focused my efforts during each contraction. Ruth and Shane were so encouraging as they seemed genuinely impressed with each push. I've been anxious about pushing since my experience with my first labor was not very good. It felt forced rather than natural and I pushed for over 2 hours while never really feeling a real urge.

Suddenly the urges became so strong I had no control over my pushes. I wasn't going to be able to wait for the doctor to show up. Thankfully the nurse found the doctor, they got me in the delivery position and I heard him say "Get everyone else in hear right now! This baby is coming!" It was very painful and intense. But it was exciting because I felt like my body was doing what it had to without my having to tell it. I remember hearing my self yelling as I pushed (how can anyone be quiet while pushing so hard??) and remember trying to cry out "Jesus" but barely being able to get my mouth around the word. But my head was crying out to Him to be close and help me survive this. For some reason I kept my eyes shut for the entire last segment of labor. More people I don't even remember (probably because my eyes were shut) gathered into the room and I felt like it was almost the end when my doctor said, "Okay, Jessica, now stop. Don't. Do. Anything." My mind was so confused by that statement. How on earth can I stop myself? I wasn't in control! But I guess I was because I stopped myself and just breathed deeply as I trembled against the urge to push. Then doctor said, "The baby is going to come out on his own. Don't do anything and he's going to slowly come out." SLOWLY?? The last thing I want is for this last part to go slowly. Let's get this over with! But I trusted my doctor and those last few seconds were strange and definitely slow. But they were just seconds. Then I was instructed to gently and slowly push the baby out the rest of the way. Apparently I did it right. I heard something about a cord being around the neck and then baby was here. I heard a cry and heard them suck out the fluid from his throat and the cry became louder. Then I pulled the gown up (thanks to Ruth for reminding me that I wanted skin-to-skin contact), he was placed on my chest and all I could say was, "We did it. Thank you, God. Baby, we did it." Then I heard someone (maybe Shane?) say, "Is it a boy?" and I said, "It better be!" and I heard people laugh. Sure enough, it's a boy. And I whispered, "Hi, Benjamin. You're here." I couldn't believe he came so quickly. I'm not sure exactly how long I pushed but it was no 2 hours. My heart filled with relief and purpose. Pain has purpose and I felt every ounce of it.

Benjamin Larson. September 14, 8:09 p.m. Right on his due date. 7 lbs. 2 oz. 18.5 inches long.

Oliver came in shortly after to meet his new brother and I loved how big and excited his eyes were. He didn't want to touch him. He appeared to be nervous and clung to Shane as he drew near to my bed. He leaned over and when little Benjamin sneezed a little sneeze Oliver giggled. He is real and he is human. Phew.

We made it home in less than 24 hours and I'm recovering quickly with the help of pain medication. It's amazing how Benjamin has made himself comfortable in our home. We have been unceasingly blessed as friends bring meals, send gifts and pitch in to buy us the expensive necessities for a new baby. I can honestly say this first week with our new son has been blissful. Even in the middle of the night I am thankful to be woken up as it gives me reason to cuddle and stare at Benjamin in peace. Oliver is happily adjusting. He doesn't seem shocked that the baby is still living with us. Shane and I appreciate baby's nap times so we can play and be alone with Oliver like old times. I've only cried once, so I suppose I'm not experiencing any postpartum depression at this point. I'm enjoying this vacation of family-filled days. I feel like I'm being filled to the brim of what I've been lacking for months. I've only thought of work maybe twice but am soon distracted by little squeaks and baby smells. This is what it's like for my cup to overflow.

Happenings at Home.

As some of you know, Shane's sister, Amanda has been living with us as she transitions after 5 years of living and teaching math in Indonesia. I know it has been difficult for her to depend on us as she looks for a job and not be able to help provide. But she has provided in unique ways and blessed our family every day that she has been here. She has made herself especially at home in our kitchen baking delicious treats and throwing together fantastic meals. And she has kept my floors swept more frequently than I ever have! She's a pro at keeping up on dishes and laundry and I'm afraid she's spoiling Shane. He has had a lot of opportunities to work on projects in the garage and keep up with the lawn because Amanda is available to watch Oliver. Oliver's knowledge of numbers has improved significantly and to top it all off he is learning a second language! He uses Indonesian words frequently throughout the day and I can't keep up with him!

I came home from work the other day and he greeted me by showing me a scratch on his foot and saying what sounded like, "suck it! suck it! suck it!" I looked at him bewildered and asked Amanda and Shane, "Ok, who told Oliver to tell me to suck his foot??" They started laughing and told me that he was actually saying "Sakit" which means "hurt" or a wound. Hilarious. I'm not sure when he'll ever use Indonesian...but he picks it up so quickly and I'm just glad he's learning another language! It's amazing that he understands these are different words and that they have English equivalents (sort of). How does his little brain know the difference between two languages?

On another cute note, Oliver seems very aware that baby will be arriving any day now. He has this little book called "I'm a Big Brother," and it's practically the ONLY book he wants to read the past 3 days. We have already read it 6 times today. And yesterday we read it 7 times. He has memorized it and does not get bored with it. It's like he's trying to mentally prepare for a baby and he wants to understand his role. I am most looking forward to Oliver meeting our new son. It's what cheers me on as we take walks and wait for labor to begin. Hopefully the next blog will be announcing the arrival of Some Really Cute Name We Haven't Picked Yet!

Just a few of the treats Amanda has made for us:

My name is Wealthy.

I'm wide awake at 3:45 a.m. with thoughts and realizations I want to share. It seems that sleep will not be granted unless I get out at least some of what is overflowing in my mind. As strange as this sounds, the one thing I keep seeing in my mind is my name, Jessica, and it's meaning: wealthy. Except when I see that word is seems big to me. Like WEALTHY.

I believe names hold weight, which is probably why choosing a name for our new son is so difficult. We don't think lightly of the very first gift we give him. Instead we think of how it will affect the way he sees himself and even all the ways he may unknowingly grow into that name. Biblically, names seem to hold great significance, and God has been known to even give new names to those who have been changed or have accepted a new role or calling in their walk of life (Saul to Paul or Jacob to Israel, for example).

Just in the last couple of weeks, I have unmistakably experienced what it feels like to really be Jessica. I feel like God is my teacher and he is pointing quite clearly to the writing on the chalkboard, and my eyes have finally focused on what was just a blur a couple weeks ago: WEALTHY. I believe it now.

I wonder how long I have sat in what seemed like justifiable discontentment. Months? Years, probably. It almost scares me to reflect on that. If I dare look back on my life I see discontentment in friendships, in churches, in my geographic location, in my possessions. Discontentment is unfortunate. It's the opposite of wealthy, really.

To bring all this contemplation to physical form, let me explain the events that led up to this realization.

Almost this entire pregnancy we have been looking to buy our first home. This 2 bedroom rental home is getting smaller as my belly gets bigger. We looked at DOZENS of homes and made a couple offers, and the one question people always asked us was "how is the house hunt going?" because everyone knew that a new home was our intention and hope for the near future. It has been draining and disappointing despite how great the market apparently is for buying. Shane was spending hours searching for homes partly because he looks forward to owning and fixing up his own home, but also because his wife was VERY ready to get out of this tiny house. We recently decided to let go of this goal since baby will be arriving shortly, but mostly because I realized how exhausted I was from trying so hard to change our circumstance. But it wasn't just a goal I let go of, but the future in general.

One evening as I was in tears from exhaustion I realized that there was no more of myself to give toward planning and hoping for a certain future, and I was sacrificing my present time with Oliver and Shane. I kept telling myself that he needed a bigger yard and more outdoor space to enjoy life, but he was begging to enjoy life with me NOW. He was dragging me to his room to play with toys and sit down for a book or movie as soon as I was in the front door. He was clinging to me at bedtime so we could savor a few moments together before sleep. When I realized this (and thank God I did), I started to make myself more at home. I unpacked all of the baby items I didn't think we had room for. My evenings felt longer and more intimate, and I stopped feeling the constant nagging of productivity. I allowed myself to decorate and organize the neglected corners of our home. And our crammed little rental turned into a cozy home of our own. It was like putting on a pair of new glasses and seeing things how they really are. I saw our hardwood floors and the beautiful collection of refinished furniture my husband has labored on. I saw my raw, country-home-meets-third-world decor touching every room. I saw the luxury of two bathrooms and extra cabinet space I forgot I had. I saw our little shaded nook between the house and garage that invites tired feet to the hammock.

I am Wealthy.

This wasn't the end of my realization. God had plans to show me quite evidently a different kind of wealth. A few days ago, my friend Ruth threw me a baby shower and only 4 friends were able to attend. They blessed me with money toward breast pumps which I will most definitely need when I return to work full-time after maternity leave. But these girls surprised me with their gift of words. They each spent time encouraging me as a mother and recalling how they have observed me as a mom with Oliver. They had me in tears as they listed my strengths and commented on the beautiful, well-mannered and happy boy we have raised. And to overwhelm me more, they surrounded me on the couch and prayed over this new life with baby and spoke blessings over our family. I felt like my heart did not have room to hold these gifts and I hope I don't lose or forget them.

Yesterday I was thrown a SECOND baby shower by my coworkers. These women have been my mothers, my aunts and my sisters. They are protective, giving, listening, advising, humorous and honest. They care deeply for me in a way I truly need being so far from my family in Illinois. It was a lovely shower with an abundance of gifts and they even gave me a generous sum to help Shane and I purchase cloth diapers. The food was incredible. So good I had a major urge to hug someone every time I took a bite or a drink. Then they spent a few moments speaking blessings and prayers over me and I could barely hold myself together. My heart somehow made room to receive their words and believe they were mine to keep. I went home to my family (including my sister-in-law, Amanda, who is currently rooming with us) and shared how wonderful of a party it was. It was fun to show them the gifts and tell them about the special time we had. And sometime that evening I was trying to express to Amanda these wonderful emotions and she said something about my being "rich with friendship." I can't stop thinking about that. I have never felt so RICH with relationship in my entire life. I don't know when this happened, but sometime in the last three and a half years I accumulated a WEALTH of friends and extended family in the Northwest.

In the midst of all this I think I lost that old friend, discontentment. And it makes me smile.

Its a...

Life.

I suppose it's time to share this:

I'm 14 weeks along with Morgan baby #2! Baby is due September 14. We'll find out the gender in a couple months. Shane would like another boy. I don't think I have a preference. Little boys are a lot of fun and I wouldn't mind having only boys, but it would be neat to know what it's like to have a daughter. I haven't been sick at all. Just tired and hungry...and maybe a little emotional. :) And Oliver is starting to understand I think. He pats my tummy and kisses and says, "Baby in there." I hope he gets excited. I'm not looking forward to the day I can't put him on my lap because my tummy is too huge. I remember being disappointed when I couldn't sit on my mom's lap when she was pregnant. Mommy's lap is the best seat in the house!

I can't wait to see you, baby. I can't wait to welcome you to our family. We are all in anticipation.

On a more somber note, I said goodbye to my last grandparent on March 4. Grandpa Gregory died almost 3 months after my grandma. And we just found out that Shane's step-grandmother passed away today. Life is a curious and unpredictable thing. It is always coming and going yet it never seems insignificant in any way. It's always hard. It's always amazing. And I can always find peace in God's sovereignty through it all.

Behold Ruth.

I want to dedicate this blog to my very good friend, Ruth. I could say a lot about this gal...but I'll stick to the main reason for posting this. I just finished editing some pregnancy photos I took of her recently and so I've been staring at her face for hours it seems. And I'm not tired of it! I gotta say, 8 out of 10 photos turned out great because she is so dang beautiful. I don't know if it's the glow of new motherhood or that gorgeous red hair. I hardly had to do a thing in Photoshop to improve these. In fact I decided to play it up a little and be more extreme with the colors and lighting. Otherwise I would have been bored trying to find ways to make these shots look better.

The crazy thing is that my camera is nothing spectacular (although I love it like a pet). It's an Olympus SP-550 UZ and it takes two seconds for the poor thing to focus and snap the shot. But since I am a slow, patient photographer as it is, I don't always mind this (unless I'm trying to take pictures of an almost-2-year-old in low lighting...).

Okay, I'm done with the technicalities. I want to show you some Ruth.

To see more photos and other versions of these go here.

I had more fun that day than I've had in awhile. I loved spending the entire day with Layne and Ruth. Their home is so comfortable and relaxing and we always enjoy just being around them. Since Shane and I are still sort of new to Spokane and not very extroverted, we don't have many friends in the area. But Layne and Ruth are by far our closest friends here. Because of them we had a place to stay before we found a home in Spokane. We found a great church to call home and made even more friends. We don't feel so alone in a "big city" full of strangers and acquaintances. We've cried together, rolled in laughter together and sat in content boredom together. It's a forever kind of friendship I'd say.

To top this great Saturday off, they invited us to stay for a dinner they were making for a Bhutanese family. Layne and Ruth volunteer for Global Neighborhood which is a non-profit that helps refugee families settle safely and comfortably in Spokane. There are a lot of refugees in the area from Bhutan, and this family in particular spent 15 years in Nepal in a refugee camp. We had such a great time getting to know them. Their kids were great entertainment for Oliver (or vice versa) and the food was so good I had big seconds (thanks Ruth!). Shane and I long to immerse ourselves in other cultures. The only way I have experienced this is with people who have immigrated from other countries. But Shane has been overseas several times and is formally educated on relating/understanding other cultures. I love to see him so in his element and long to enjoy more of the world with him. The good news is that in less than two weeks we will be traveling to Indonesia to visit Amanda, Shane's sister! My first trip overseas. I am so, so excited and can't wait to take pictures of that colorful culture!

Well, I got sidetracked a little. But I just want to say one last thing. Ruth, thank you for welcoming Shane, Oliver and I into your life. You are a treasure on this earth to more than just us. I cannot wait for your little boy to finally make an appearance. I want to cuddle with him like you did with Oliver in our cozy little cabin in Idaho. So many memories ahead!

Okay, one more!