Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I'm blue.

My heart is a little achy today. It started last night as I lay Oliver down for bed and he didn't want me to leave his side until he fell asleep. So I just laid there as he played with my hands and murmured "Mommy. Mommy." until his eyes closed and his breathing grew deep. I bawled as silently as I could. And I prayed, "Lord if there is any way I can be a stay-at-home mom again, please make a way." That's the first time I've prayed that or even said it out loud since I started my job at UGM. I love my job and the people I work with and how it has connected me to Spokane. I love how much I've learned about serving the poor and homeless. I love the passion it has given me for others. But there is one thing I hate: being away from Oliver. But I am SO blessed to have a job that will allow me to work from home two days of the week. Otherwise I might not have lasted this long. I am thankful, but I am aching. And I suppose that ache has always been there, but suddenly I can't hold it back and be strong anymore. I've spoken to Shane twice today on the phone and both times he says that Oliver keeps saying, "Mommy, home. Mommy, home." Surely Shane knows this is killing me and making my eyes water and be unproductive! I don't know what's going to happen. Because I don't see myself leaving this job for some time. But I just want my family and friends to know that if there is one thing not so great in my life right now...it's that mother-child separation that people go through at different times in their life. I was hoping I wouldn't experience that pain until he left for college...or even his first day of school. But not now when he's barely able to utter sentences. How am I supposed to stay strong anymore?

Well, my supervisor just walked in and saw me crying. Not what I wanted to happen...but it opened up a really good conversation. I am thankful to have people around me who are so supportive and understanding. I am thankful that I work in an environment where I can comfortably be honest. He asked if I needed to do something. I told him I am not going to do anything right now because I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I have no plans to leave my job. But I am glad he knows how I feel. It makes it easier than holding it all in. We'll see what sort of changes take place in the future, but right now I cannot see what those changes will be.


Anonymous said...

Awe, I am definitely praying for you Jessica! My heart broke for you as I have been able to see how much Oliver adores you. I will take this message to heart as I have not been able to get AWAY from my daughter. At the newborn stage, they are so needy and it is exhausting. Thank you for reminding me to cherish these times because they will not always be here. I know that the Lord will help heal the ache.

Barbara said...

Jess, I was just getting ready to write my blog for today when I saw that you had written something new. I always love to read what you write because you are so honest. What a heart-wrenching place you are in. Thank you for opening your soul to us. I commit to praying for you. I am so thankful for your many gifts, but mostly, I am thankful to know you and walk alongside you for this period of time. May His comfort be palpable and inescapable.