As some of you know, Shane's sister, Amanda has been living with us as she transitions after 5 years of living and teaching math in Indonesia. I know it has been difficult for her to depend on us as she looks for a job and not be able to help provide. But she has provided in unique ways and blessed our family every day that she has been here. She has made herself especially at home in our kitchen baking delicious treats and throwing together fantastic meals. And she has kept my floors swept more frequently than I ever have! She's a pro at keeping up on dishes and laundry and I'm afraid she's spoiling Shane. He has had a lot of opportunities to work on projects in the garage and keep up with the lawn because Amanda is available to watch Oliver. Oliver's knowledge of numbers has improved significantly and to top it all off he is learning a second language! He uses Indonesian words frequently throughout the day and I can't keep up with him!
I came home from work the other day and he greeted me by showing me a scratch on his foot and saying what sounded like, "suck it! suck it! suck it!" I looked at him bewildered and asked Amanda and Shane, "Ok, who told Oliver to tell me to suck his foot??" They started laughing and told me that he was actually saying "Sakit" which means "hurt" or a wound. Hilarious. I'm not sure when he'll ever use Indonesian...but he picks it up so quickly and I'm just glad he's learning another language! It's amazing that he understands these are different words and that they have English equivalents (sort of). How does his little brain know the difference between two languages?
On another cute note, Oliver seems very aware that baby will be arriving any day now. He has this little book called "I'm a Big Brother," and it's practically the ONLY book he wants to read the past 3 days. We have already read it 6 times today. And yesterday we read it 7 times. He has memorized it and does not get bored with it. It's like he's trying to mentally prepare for a baby and he wants to understand his role. I am most looking forward to Oliver meeting our new son. It's what cheers me on as we take walks and wait for labor to begin. Hopefully the next blog will be announcing the arrival of Some Really Cute Name We Haven't Picked Yet!
I'm wide awake at 3:45 a.m. with thoughts and realizations I want to share. It seems that sleep will not be granted unless I get out at least some of what is overflowing in my mind. As strange as this sounds, the one thing I keep seeing in my mind is my name, Jessica, and it's meaning: wealthy. Except when I see that word is seems big to me. Like WEALTHY.
I believe names hold weight, which is probably why choosing a name for our new son is so difficult. We don't think lightly of the very first gift we give him. Instead we think of how it will affect the way he sees himself and even all the ways he may unknowingly grow into that name. Biblically, names seem to hold great significance, and God has been known to even give new names to those who have been changed or have accepted a new role or calling in their walk of life (Saul to Paul or Jacob to Israel, for example).
Just in the last couple of weeks, I have unmistakably experienced what it feels like to really be Jessica. I feel like God is my teacher and he is pointing quite clearly to the writing on the chalkboard, and my eyes have finally focused on what was just a blur a couple weeks ago: WEALTHY. I believe it now.
I wonder how long I have sat in what seemed like justifiable discontentment. Months? Years, probably. It almost scares me to reflect on that. If I dare look back on my life I see discontentment in friendships, in churches, in my geographic location, in my possessions. Discontentment is unfortunate. It's the opposite of wealthy, really.
To bring all this contemplation to physical form, let me explain the events that led up to this realization.
Almost this entire pregnancy we have been looking to buy our first home. This 2 bedroom rental home is getting smaller as my belly gets bigger. We looked at DOZENS of homes and made a couple offers, and the one question people always asked us was "how is the house hunt going?" because everyone knew that a new home was our intention and hope for the near future. It has been draining and disappointing despite how great the market apparently is for buying. Shane was spending hours searching for homes partly because he looks forward to owning and fixing up his own home, but also because his wife was VERY ready to get out of this tiny house. We recently decided to let go of this goal since baby will be arriving shortly, but mostly because I realized how exhausted I was from trying so hard to change our circumstance. But it wasn't just a goal I let go of, but the future in general.
One evening as I was in tears from exhaustion I realized that there was no more of myself to give toward planning and hoping for a certain future, and I was sacrificing my present time with Oliver and Shane. I kept telling myself that he needed a bigger yard and more outdoor space to enjoy life, but he was begging to enjoy life with me NOW. He was dragging me to his room to play with toys and sit down for a book or movie as soon as I was in the front door. He was clinging to me at bedtime so we could savor a few moments together before sleep. When I realized this (and thank God I did), I started to make myself more at home. I unpacked all of the baby items I didn't think we had room for. My evenings felt longer and more intimate, and I stopped feeling the constant nagging of productivity. I allowed myself to decorate and organize the neglected corners of our home. And our crammed little rental turned into a cozy home of our own. It was like putting on a pair of new glasses and seeing things how they really are. I saw our hardwood floors and the beautiful collection of refinished furniture my husband has labored on. I saw my raw, country-home-meets-third-world decor touching every room. I saw the luxury of two bathrooms and extra cabinet space I forgot I had. I saw our little shaded nook between the house and garage that invites tired feet to the hammock.
I am Wealthy.
This wasn't the end of my realization. God had plans to show me quite evidently a different kind of wealth. A few days ago, my friend Ruth threw me a baby shower and only 4 friends were able to attend. They blessed me with money toward breast pumps which I will most definitely need when I return to work full-time after maternity leave. But these girls surprised me with their gift of words. They each spent time encouraging me as a mother and recalling how they have observed me as a mom with Oliver. They had me in tears as they listed my strengths and commented on the beautiful, well-mannered and happy boy we have raised. And to overwhelm me more, they surrounded me on the couch and prayed over this new life with baby and spoke blessings over our family. I felt like my heart did not have room to hold these gifts and I hope I don't lose or forget them.
Yesterday I was thrown a SECOND baby shower by my coworkers. These women have been my mothers, my aunts and my sisters. They are protective, giving, listening, advising, humorous and honest. They care deeply for me in a way I truly need being so far from my family in Illinois. It was a lovely shower with an abundance of gifts and they even gave me a generous sum to help Shane and I purchase cloth diapers. The food was incredible. So good I had a major urge to hug someone every time I took a bite or a drink. Then they spent a few moments speaking blessings and prayers over me and I could barely hold myself together. My heart somehow made room to receive their words and believe they were mine to keep. I went home to my family (including my sister-in-law, Amanda, who is currently rooming with us) and shared how wonderful of a party it was. It was fun to show them the gifts and tell them about the special time we had. And sometime that evening I was trying to express to Amanda these wonderful emotions and she said something about my being "rich with friendship." I can't stop thinking about that. I have never felt so RICH with relationship in my entire life. I don't know when this happened, but sometime in the last three and a half years I accumulated a WEALTH of friends and extended family in the Northwest.
In the midst of all this I think I lost that old friend, discontentment. And it makes me smile.
Oliver wakes us up exactly 5 seconds before my alarm goes off saying “a meet-meal?” (he wants oatmeal)
I make Oliver oats with frozen blueberries.
Shane runs to the store for milk and then calls me, “Will you start throwing together ingredients for crepes?”
Of course!
Oliver needs to pee.
Shane gets home and finishes making me crepes with hot blackberry filling. YUM.
Oliver wants to snuggle in our bed, so of course I’m going to make time for that. We all climb in and Shane sings me “Happy Birthday” hoping Oliver will join in. But he just smiles. And then blows on me at the end of the song as if I were a cake of 26 candles.
Between phone calls from family and finishing my hair and makeup I finally get out the door for work.
The car radio decided to play an Avett Brothers song making it a PERFECT drive to work (with almost all green lights!).
All I can think about the whole morning is my sister, Olivia, and how much I want to celebrate our birthday with her.
I recall one of our most memorable backyard birthday parties with lots of lights hung in the trees.
She got electrocuted because of a stupid staple in one of the cords.
She survived. It was a great party.
I’m greeted at work by a hug and “Happy Birthday” from Shelly, our receptionist, and colorful streamers hanging from my office door.
I open my email with TONS of Facebook notifications of happy greetings and take too much time reading them and smiling.
Dad calls singing to me in the most ridiculous way possible. Apparently not caring if his whole office hears how ridiculously he loves his daughter. (It wouldn't be a birthday without my dad singing obnoxiously at least once.)
Thanks to the streamers I get a lot of interruptions and random singing throughout the day (a total of 7 times the whole day).
I walk into the cafeteria as people are singing happy birthday to someone else (Sean) – how funny!
Barb is sure to tell them it’s my birthday too so everyone else turns to sing me happy birthday too.
Halfway through lunch Sean brings me his balloons and shares 2 huge pieces of chocolate cake with me.
Shane calls me at work to tell me I got a birthday package and card in the mail from my parents.
He wants to know if he can open it. The answer is NO. Only a Morgan would ask such a question.
It’s make-up day at work (which means nothing to anyone but the ladies in our front office). And I get first pick!
A pink rose.
Lemon tart.
More birthday greetings.
Am I ever going to get anything done today?
Shane calls again and tells me he was going to make me something tasty but realized we had only one egg.
So I need to pick up some eggs on my way home.
Listening to my Avett Brothers Pandora station helps me be more productive.
My mom sings a lot like June Carter Cash. Does she know that? Especially when I hear June and Johnny sing “Jackson”.
Should I call her and tell her?
No, get back to work.
It’s my boss’ wife’s birthday today.
It’s Eddie’s wife’s birthday today.
Volunteer Lynn’s niece was born this a.m.!
I call mom to tell her she sings like June Carter Cash.
Finally finish a couple projects at work.
Stop at the PO Box to check for birthday cards. Yay! One from my in-laws!
Shane tells me to not worry about picking up eggs.
Greeted at home with a little boy holding out his hand with a pretty rose…
…only to have him drop the rose in excitement to see balloons in the back of my car.
We make a delicious grilled chicken fettuccini alfredo meal with grilled Mexican squash.
Oliver is entertained the whole evening with the 9 balloons now scattered all over our house.
Have great, happy phone conversations with both my sisters.
I finish the day eating cherry chocolate chunk ice cream in a hot bath.
Happy 26 years to me and 29 to my sister, Olivia.
[My birthday balloons that were actually Sean's birthday balloons but are now Oliver's balloons]
Our UGM newsletter won First Place for printed newsletter and Best in Show for this year’s annual Media Awards for the Association of Gospel Rescue Missions. We beat some of the largest rescue missions in the country who often hire outside firms for their publications and can afford full color. I just hope our newsletter can offer as much competition next year after redesigning its look to match our new brand!
Here is what the AGRM website had to say about the contest:
"AGRM Media Innovation Competition was launched to recognize rescue missions who were making valuable progress in innovating print and online offerings. Call for entries attracted hundreds of submissions from rescue missions across the country in every budget size. AGRM awarded three Best in Show winners, as well as Award of Excellence, Award of Merit and Honorable Mention prizes for each category at the 2010 AGRM Conference in St. Charles, Illinois May 9-12. Congratulations to this years Media Innovation Competition award winners!"
The winner (a 6 page, 2-color newsletter with a response card and envelope to match):
Our new look for Mission News:
If you want to see an online archive of our newsletters and read what is current go here.
In other great news, our website got third place and we got second place for our Sucess Story.
(I have a tendency to type up something then post it later. This was written 4.30.10.)
Doubt is sometimes a fierce enemy. It arrives so casually disguised that it blends with your family, your work and all common ways of life. It can even become so familiar you start to believe it's your good friend who keeps you reasonable and far from danger. Well, I kicked Doubt out of my house this morning. It started telling me that I was not doing as well as I could, and that my talents were failing me and I wasn't trying hard enough. It's one thing for doubt to keep me from trying something risky...but to try to tell me who I am, and what I'm capable of and what my purpose is??? I can be just as fierce, Doubt. I know you'll probably come back, but I know better now what you look like.
* * * * *
There are a couple of high school seniors who want to raise money for the Mission with a ping pong tournament. They didn't know that UGM had a designer on staff that could help promote their event. One of the boys had drawn up a poster by hand and was going to make copies to hang, but was glad to turn the project over to me. But I told him I liked his poster. There were a couple of things I could help with to make the poster communicate the message more clearly, but I was inspired by his original and playful illustration. Somewhere along the line of adding fresh typography to the poster, I felt thankful for my job and the unique opportunities I get to help others. My projects are so diverse. One might be a direct ask on a billboard to help the homeless and poor of Spokane, and the next is making wallet-size meal punch cards for the guys who come to the Mission hungry. They might not look very exciting next to some of the edgy and new design work out there. And that's usually when I start to doubt. When I read blogs and look through creative magazines I feel rather unoriginal and stale. But the people I design for are so grateful, encouraged and surprised by my work. They feel honored, of all things! They say, "How did we get so lucky to have someone like you work for us?" And I blush because how on Earth do they really think that? They obviously don't look at design magazines and blogs. But I'm their designer. And I love them. And I will bust my butt to do an excellent job on their projects. Their affection for me and my work makes me so thankful for what I do. And if this is where God wants me, he can do wonders with me.
Here is the Ping Pong poster and the banner before I added a couple last pieces of information. Jake and Keinyn raised $150. That will provide 85-90 meals at the mission. I love young hearts for the poor.
I had an emotional dream and wrote it down in my prayer journal even though it wasn't a prayer. Maybe later I'll share it. I woke up in relief that I was with Shane. That I chose him and he chose me. So much relief that I cried on his shoulder and shared with him the dream. He was relieved as well...mostly that I was crying tears of happiness and not sadness.
But then something else happened. On our way to church someone ran a red light at full speed and missed hitting us by 1 to 2 seconds. They would have t-boned us on the driver's side seriously injuring Shane and Oliver...maybe even killing them. Once again I was flooded with relief. I just cried and thanked God all the way to church and all through the service. Life can end in an instant. But somehow I am still walking this Earth with those I love next to me. How does it make you feel to know that in some cases, our life is completely out of our hands?
Personally, I feel like a piece of glass falling from the sky. Eventually I'll hit the ground. It's everyone's end. But more so, I feel a greater responsibility for what is in my hands. God has given me great gifts. I am thankful, SO THANKFUL. But I am also responsible. My awareness of life and its high value was heightened today. Every second is like pure water to me. How often do I experience life in this way?
___________________
Added later:
Just after I wrote this I read my friend's blog and felt like it was so closely related to what I am going through today. Read it here.
