Bell bottoms started it

Today I'm wearing pants I haven't worn since before I had Mirabelle. I bought them seven years ago when I first started my job at UGM (7 YEARS!). Bell bottoms. I probably wouldn't buy them today if I saw them on a rack, but…for whatever reason today was different. Oh, hey, here's a picture of me wearing them…7 years ago.

(when we lived in a basement and had just one kid)

Anyway, I don't know how the pants are related to anything, but today feels almost like a day from the past. The old Jessica is back for the day and after 1 1/2 years of not blogging, I'm here again! And with zero goals of starting again, FYI.

I just got off the phone with my dad, wishing him happy 63rd birthday (a day late…go me), and he expressed how much he loves the pictures I post on Facebook. I thought, well, since there are people who love me and I love them, and we're desperately clinging to every possible thread of connection, I should blog something.

There are no big revelations or meaningful reflections here. So I'll just tell you about my day.

I started my work day, not at the office, but in a 91-year-old man's home, photographing him in his arm chair with the TV on and his caregiver working in the kitchen. A sweet snapshot of him inspired hundreds of our Facebook followers this month so we thought we'd put a small feature of him in our next newsletter. He has been a faithful donor for years, helping women & children in crisis. He hardly said a word while I was there, but I enjoyed him very much!

My newsletter deadline is tomorrow, so I worked at my desk laying out the design -- placing, replacing, arranging, setting type, squinting, tilting my head and such. My last missing element for the newsletter was a fresh shot of our beloved Executive Director to go with his editorial. It looks much like the other countless head shots I've taken of this man, but hey, he has a new sweater on that his daughter gave him for Christmas! As often as I like to suggest change, I also like how some things stay kind of the same. And smiling pictures of Phil's head is one of those things, I suppose. :)

Shortly after lunch (which is free because I eat at a homeless shelter!), I had a quick photo shoot with a mom and her son. Amanda is a graduate of our LIFE Recovery program. She struggled with addiction and homelessness, and now we're considering featuring her in our next annual event or a newsletter because her story is so powerful and endearing. Charlie's birthday was yesterday, (same as my dad's!). This sparked some conversation between us about birthdays during the holidays. He told me about his new Xbox, but how he'd much rather be outside BMXing and Motocross racing. Your future is bright, kid (but stay out of the ER).

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So there are the highlights of my work day. I came home and made dinner from leftovers so Shane could get out of the house for a bit. Then I played hide-and-seek in the house with my kiddos and watched a Daniel the Tiger episode while we ate dinner. I closed the evening by reading some Harry Potter to the kids and then cuddled with Mirabelle until she fell asleep, who requested My Favorite Things as a lullaby. :)

It wasn't a day I meant to say anything about. But this is what normal life looks like for me right now, in case that was ever a wondering thought for you. Lots of good. Lots of routine. Lots of growing, beautiful children taking over my house and surviving the chaos that comes with it.

PS - If you missed it, here are the #2015bestnine of my Instagram:

Of One Kind and Another

Some hours burst with inspiration to the point I feel quite immobilized.

And again it started with coffee…

Followed by a string of really great blog posts from strangers who appreciate art and beauty. My Avett Brothers Pandora station helped too.

What do you feel when you are overwhelmingly inspired? I feel like sharing. It's most unsatisfying to see something beautiful when you're the only one who sees it. It's such a natural tendency in us to want to share experiences and emotion. So, I call someone, or blog about it, or just write it down so that there's at least a possibility I can share it later.

When this kind of inspiration comes over me I panic a bit because I know how fleeting it is. It's a gift and I want to be a good steward, ya know?

My first urge is to be productive and squeeze every bit of juice I have into something that will somehow be profitable. I have an addiction to being productive and often feel a moment should never be wasted. But as I get older I'm working on just enjoying or letting it be. To sit still and savor. I realize that moments are intrinsically valuable and don't need to be productive in order for it to be worth something. I see a great need in myself to let go of productivity. I'm sure it's useful and makes me a great employee and teammate. But not always a good mom or wife or friend. Just be.

*     *     *     *     *     a few hours later     *     *     *     *     *

The fleeting moment did pass. Inspiration of one kind left and another arrived. A very different kind. I went downtown with the UGM writer and my office roomie, Barb, to take photos of this homeless couple she interviewed over the weekend. Sammy and Amber are young and have lost all rights to their children. Their childhood pasts aren't pretty at all. They use meth to numb their pain. It was so good to be down there talking to people. But it was hard. Their story is tragic; their plight not very hopeful. I did get some photos, although it was awkward and they were nervous and I rushed the process. So not very many turned out. I hope I have at least one I can use for our next newsletter. Barb and I left feeling a lot of despair for them and for homelessness in our community as a whole. It's a lot to carry. It's a huge story that needs told on a regular basis. But we don't have a perfect solution. UGM can be a solution for some people, but many who are on the streets won't or can't be helped. But maybe we can help others see the homeless as people like you and me. Barb shared a link with me about a photo project on homelessness in San Diego and I was inspired by what the photographer said:

"I think that making that connection is the first step. Then hopefully more people will put pressure on our city leaders, more people will volunteer, more people will donate to some of the great service providers in the city."

"…it was clear that we have to listen to individual stories if we're to understand homelessness in our community."

 So, I'm re-inspired to be a part of a movement in Spokane that is helping the homeless. Pain can be inspiring, and I experienced that today. I'm inspired to help Barb tell their story and I hope I can do it justice. I'm praying a lot because I'm scared out of my mind that I won't do it right and I don't feel worthy to communicate such an important message that is so close to God's heart. I know a little how Moses felt when God said:

"And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the 

way the Egyptians are oppressing them.

So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the 

Israelites out of Egypt.

But Moses said to God, 'Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring 

the Israelites out of Egypt?'"

And this is how God responded: "I will be with you."

I wrote a poem (kind of) to express my experience in some way. I used some of what Sammy said today and some of my own thoughts when I put myself in his worn-out shoes.

LOOK.

Look at me.

I'm under a bridge, but I'm not hiding.

I don't trust nobody, but I'll face ya.

I'll look ya in the eye.

At least for a few seconds.

"Don't wear your house shoes in the yard."

Ya never know when you'll have to run.

Every day is a bad day and I'm scared to go to sleep.

I don't wanna take your money.

But I need a place to stay. A place to clean up every day and shave so I can go to work.

I wear out a pair of socks a day. I need socks.

My feet hurt.

At least I have her. We're all each other has.