Beautiful Day

I don’t know very many songs that take me back to a specific moment.  “Beautiful Day” by U2 came on my Pandora and immediately I was driving home from ballet class my senior year of high school. My muscles were tired but I felt like I was floating. My heart cried thank-yous to God. I did not have a boyfriend (which was one of my greatest longings in that period of life) and my friendships weren’t as great as they used to be. But I felt myself coming to a place that felt like my own. I felt like I knew who I was and understood the unique soul that was given me. And I saw ahead possibly a lonely road. There were things I had to go through on my own and possibly the people who loved me most would not understand. I didn’t understand. I had to experience what it was like to truly hate yourself…and then truly forgive yourself. Of course I didn’t know all this at the time, but somehow in that moment I was okay with all the troubles behind and in front of me. And it’s amazing to have the confidence that you will survive them and God’s love will not falter.

Life.

I suppose it's time to share this:

I'm 14 weeks along with Morgan baby #2! Baby is due September 14. We'll find out the gender in a couple months. Shane would like another boy. I don't think I have a preference. Little boys are a lot of fun and I wouldn't mind having only boys, but it would be neat to know what it's like to have a daughter. I haven't been sick at all. Just tired and hungry...and maybe a little emotional. :) And Oliver is starting to understand I think. He pats my tummy and kisses and says, "Baby in there." I hope he gets excited. I'm not looking forward to the day I can't put him on my lap because my tummy is too huge. I remember being disappointed when I couldn't sit on my mom's lap when she was pregnant. Mommy's lap is the best seat in the house!

I can't wait to see you, baby. I can't wait to welcome you to our family. We are all in anticipation.

On a more somber note, I said goodbye to my last grandparent on March 4. Grandpa Gregory died almost 3 months after my grandma. And we just found out that Shane's step-grandmother passed away today. Life is a curious and unpredictable thing. It is always coming and going yet it never seems insignificant in any way. It's always hard. It's always amazing. And I can always find peace in God's sovereignty through it all.

Some people say it better.

I want to share with you some work from a local artist. I found out about her because I use her husband's printing shop rather frequently. I have received a free calendar of her art the last two years and went to a gallery opening of her's last year. Here are a few of her pieces I relate or appreciate the most. Thanks, Melissa Carpenter, for your unique talent and for your heart for the community as well. And thanks, Pressworks, for your professionalism and quality work. You give my work the shine or finished touch it needs!

Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away.

This is what I came home to yesterday after my slew of emotions. I couldn't even get to the door. We played with the tricycle until we got cold. Go here to see the rest of the photos.

I'm blue.

My heart is a little achy today. It started last night as I lay Oliver down for bed and he didn't want me to leave his side until he fell asleep. So I just laid there as he played with my hands and murmured "Mommy. Mommy." until his eyes closed and his breathing grew deep. I bawled as silently as I could. And I prayed, "Lord if there is any way I can be a stay-at-home mom again, please make a way." That's the first time I've prayed that or even said it out loud since I started my job at UGM. I love my job and the people I work with and how it has connected me to Spokane. I love how much I've learned about serving the poor and homeless. I love the passion it has given me for others. But there is one thing I hate: being away from Oliver. But I am SO blessed to have a job that will allow me to work from home two days of the week. Otherwise I might not have lasted this long. I am thankful, but I am aching. And I suppose that ache has always been there, but suddenly I can't hold it back and be strong anymore. I've spoken to Shane twice today on the phone and both times he says that Oliver keeps saying, "Mommy, home. Mommy, home." Surely Shane knows this is killing me and making my eyes water and be unproductive! I don't know what's going to happen. Because I don't see myself leaving this job for some time. But I just want my family and friends to know that if there is one thing not so great in my life right now...it's that mother-child separation that people go through at different times in their life. I was hoping I wouldn't experience that pain until he left for college...or even his first day of school. But not now when he's barely able to utter sentences. How am I supposed to stay strong anymore?


Well, my supervisor just walked in and saw me crying. Not what I wanted to happen...but it opened up a really good conversation. I am thankful to have people around me who are so supportive and understanding. I am thankful that I work in an environment where I can comfortably be honest. He asked if I needed to do something. I told him I am not going to do anything right now because I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I have no plans to leave my job. But I am glad he knows how I feel. It makes it easier than holding it all in. We'll see what sort of changes take place in the future, but right now I cannot see what those changes will be.