I needed this.

I needed days of inspiration and relaxation. I've needed it for months.

I took some pictures today of my pieces of inspiration. And Oliver and Benjamin were such good boys that I actually had time to be inspired and chill. Here's to hoping for more days like these, especially before I return to work in two weeks. Cheers!

Woke up to this. All kinds of inspirational flurries!

Coffee. Today with Peppermint Mocha creamer.

These guys. Always inspiring. And stinkin' cute.

Played my Sufjan Stevens (Holiday) Radio all day.

New iMac + CS5 = holy moly i'm excited

Ginger thinspiration! (i can't help myself)

Learning to crochet. Easier than knitting.

My favorite winter accessories. Wore them to the dentist today.

Thanks, Mary, for letting me dive into your books. So far, so fun.

Sleep in any form yields a harvest of inspiration.

Oh my goodness, I can't hardly breathe. Benjamiiiiiin!

Swoon.

Happy 27th to my husband of 4.5 years. He is so special, but gets embarrassed when I publicly dote on him, so I'll restrain myself and just post some pictures of him at different stages in our life together. :) xoxo

At the Idaho ranch.

Seattle. My first trip to Washington when we were just dating.

Newly engaged.

Another ranch photo.

College days.

I barely knew him, but thought he was so dang cute.

At the ranch. The craziest snow ever.

My boyfriend gave himself a mohawk for a night. This was when I first met his brother, Moshe.

2 months old!

Oh, baby Benjamin. You have squeezed yourself into my already full heart. These past two months have flown by but I'm surprised at how normal life feels with you. It's like we've been waiting for you all our lives. Expecting you. I have never seen a 2-month-old as happy as you are. Your smile is infectious. I can't get enough of it! You smile at almost anyone who smiles at you, and lately you've been cooing at me and attempt this thing called conversation. You are very social for someone so small. Thanks for sleeping so well lately. I've really needed it. And thanks for getting over that phase of hating diaper changes. Now you laugh and happily kick when I take off your diaper. And bath time is a favorite as well. You almost kicked out of my hands last time. Don't swim away! I especially love it when you smile and "laugh" at Oliver. I can tell he loves it when you do. He always wants to stroke your hair and cheeks and is constantly proclaiming his love for you. Today he said, "He's getting bigger and bigger!" I think he's excited to play with you. Sharing is not something he is very good at yet, but he might make an exception for you because you're so fun to be with. I think your eyes are turning brown. They're still a mixture of blue and brown, but they are definitely darker. You look a lot like I did as a baby and I wouldn't mind a bit if you ended up with chestnut hair and eyes. And freckles. :) But we'll hope for non-bowed legs, yeah? Anyway....

We are SO IN LOVE with you, Benjamin. Our family is so full now in a whole new way. I hope we can give you some exciting adventures and prepare you for the person you're meant to be.

Home

I said goodbye to mom and dad on Tuesday. Hard. I smiled when we hugged and cried as I drove off. It felt like a piece of me was leaving. A part of me grieves every time I say goodbye to any of my family.  But when I saw Spokane's skyline I suddenly felt a warm, homey feeling. This is my home and I love it. It might be the first time I've felt like this about Spokane. I used to despise this strange city that crowded me. It was a place where neighbors barely made eye contact and church felt like a big company meeting where my input wasn't really needed. I still have a hard time sometimes. It's easy to feel alone and I often spend entire days inside because I honestly don't know what else to do. I long so much for a simple country life where being alone is an expected and comfortable feeling. But right now I somehow am content where I live and it seems a more friendly place than ever before. Maybe it's the fall weather.

Having my parents here was like having a vacation. It's easy, at least for me, to share a house with them. It almost felt like we were somewhere else in a cabin, eating more food than usual and bumming around. I did hardly any housework (thanks mom!) and mom wanted to hold Benjamin almost every time he cried. It really was a vacation. We watched PBS shows, shopped at thrift stores, ate lots of food and played with the boys. I didn't take enough pictures (sorry). But it was so wonderful and I look forward to their next trip up. We even discussed road tripping and meeting half way sometime.

It's hard being away from my family. But I have slowly been digging my roots into the Northwest, even into this little neighborhood. It's wonderful making your own adventure in a new land. I realized as I drove my parents through town that I knew my way around Spokane really well. I knew shortcuts and scenic routes. I found my way to the historical mansions on the South Hill even though I had only come by them accidentally before. It reminds me of when I left Illinois to go to school in Arkansas and I was sad to leave a place where the roads were so familiar. I like familiar roads and knowing shortcuts to places. It has taken me a long time to get to that place again.



Love you, Dad and Mom. See you again soon.

Oh, the mix of motherhood.

I wrote these entries on two very different days, but they balance both the bliss and the heavy load of being a mother.

10.5.10

Benjamin is three weeks old!

Amazing how close I feel to him and how it feels like we've known each other forever. His face is so familiar.

He is sleeping wonderfully (about 4 hour stretches at night) and eating very well. He has, however, become more fussy. I'm pretty sure he has gas problems, poor kid. A little patience and different positions usually help that though. Sometimes it's just a wet diaper. I've been trying different folds with the cloth diapers in order to find out what is most comfortable for him and what won't leak. I'm doing A LOT of laundry, but fortunately, it's probably the one house chore I don't really mind doing (usually).

Oliver hasn't really shown jealousy or disappointment. He says countless times throughout the day, "I love Benjamin." He loves to touch his little feet and pet his soft baby hair. But Shane and I are definitely experiencing the difficulty of spreading our attention to two kids as opposed to one. It just takes more effort to not leave one out when another is requiring so much of you. We both feel somehow closer to Oliver though and I think it's because our attention to him is more intentional. He is at the forefront of our mind because we want to be careful not to let him be forgotten. Shane said today, "How can my love for Oliver grow even more when I have two sons to give my love to now?" But I know exactly what he means. Before Benjamin, we were comfortable as a family of three and things got predictable and normal. But now that things aren't so comfortable we're pulling together even more and appreciate more what we are as a family.

It has been wonderful to have days at home. I needed this time off whether or not we had a baby. Work can become so consuming and it's nice to just let it go. Shane is helping fill in for me when I'm gone so I don't feel completely disconnected. I haven't decided if I'm glad about that. But I AM glad for the extra income and for Shane to have a regular outlet for his creativity.

10.9.10

"MOMMYYYYYY! MOMMYYYYYYYYYYY! I go pee!"

That was my morning alarm today. He peed. In bed.
Stumbling out of bed after a night full of pee issues with both my kids I can't believe this is how the day is starting.
Take him to the bathroom. Strip him down. Wipe him down. He's crying. Sigh. "It's ok, Oliver. It's ok."
Take him to his bedroom. Strip the bed. Get him new underwear.
Take him to the kitchen. Stick him in the high chair with some cereal.
Start a new load of laundry with literally every single pair of underwear Oliver owns because these last two days have been full of out-of-the-blue accidents. I thought we were over this, Oliver! I feel horrible because there's apparently something in that little brain of yours that is suddenly not connecting to the bladder. Why? Have we been unknowingly neglecting you? You seem perfectly normal on the outside, but are your emotions in upheaval on the inside? I'm sorry, Oliver.

I guess I'll have some cereal too. "Mommy, some juice?" Ok. Here's some juice. "Mommy, Elmo slippers?" Seriously, Oliver, you can be such a prince. Ok. Here are your slippers.
NOW, I'll have some cereal. 2 minutes of quiet breakfast. But not really quiet. My mind is suddenly very loud.

I need to do a second load of laundry once this one is done. This kitchen needs swept REALLY BAD; it's embarrassing. I can't believe I made that huge error in the checkbook. I wonder why stuff like that has to happen and how I can avoid making mathematical mistakes when I'm functioning like a zombie with kids. I hope Shane still isn't upset about it. Money somehow doesn't really bother me like it does him. When is my mother-in-law showing up? Today? Tomorrow? Maybe she'll sweep my kitchen. No, I should just do it. It will take 5 minutes. After I do the dishes. Later.

I hear Benjamin cry in the other room. I get up, then it stops. Oh yeah, Shane's in there with him. He can take care of him for now. "Mommy I done." Me too. I'm tired. It's Saturday. I turn on cartoons for Oliver then check on Benjamin. He's asleep on Shane's chest on the bed. They look so peaceful. Maybe I should go back to bed. Is it bad to sit your toddler in front of the TV then go back to bed? Hmm. I'll just stay up and watch cartoons too.

I wish I had time and energy to just sit and read. Or print out some pictures for those empty frames. Or even make a pot of coffee. But I feel like if I go back to bed I'll just have to crawl out of it again and that's a very disappointing feeling.

*This blog was cut short by who knows what.*

Let's end on a good note....

Benjamin's Arrival

Monday evening I went to bed assuming that baby's due date, September 14, would come and go and soon be forgotten. Last Friday's OB appointment gave me reason to think this baby might wait another week. 10:00 p.m. rolled around and I was still trying to get comfortable in bed when I experienced the first of many painful contractions. By 6:00 a.m. Oliver was up and eating breakfast and my contractions were 8 minutes apart. I woke Shane and Amanda up so we could get ready for the hospital, trying to not be too excited in case my uterus was just faking it. I've heard so many stories about labor not really being labor and it seemed too good to be true for this baby to come on his due date.

Unlike my first labor experience (3.5 hour drive, 6 inches of slush and trees in the road) we only had a 15 minute drive to the hospital and even had time to swing by the Mission for Shane to drop off some paper work and inform the folks there that I would not be coming in for work. Contractions: 6 minutes apart. We arrived at the OBGYN clinic so my cervix could be checked. I was so fearful of the doctor saying I was only 2 centimeters and would have to go back home until I was REALLY in labor. This had to be real labor. It certainly felt like it and I have been more than ready for awhile now. C'mon baby, let's do this!

Thankfully, I was 5 centimeters and almost completely effaced. YES. We got to the hospital and experienced a very real deja vu as they directed us to the exact same room Oliver was born in and told us I was the only patient in the labor ward....same as when we were here December 24, 2007. Artie, my nurse, thoughtfully studied my birth plan. And thankfully this labor was different in that I felt like the nurses and my doctor let things move along without giving much input unless I asked for it. I was fortunate to have been the only patient the entire day. The staff didn't seem rushed or preoccupied at all. Time ticked and I dilated very slowly. Contractions were fairly easy to get through. I didn't even need Shane to lean on for most of the day and Oliver and Amanda were able to stay in the room with us. The atmosphere stayed pretty calm for a long time. Oliver was such a good kid. The nurses complimented him over and over. He was happy with his Curious George books and his little DVD player. And to tell you the truth, having Oliver in the room really relaxed me. His little happy heart was a great comfort. I wanted him close as long as possible. My friend Ruth showed up some time after lunch bringing fruit, crackers and sandwiches (the crackers were the only thing I could touch). She came to support me in whatever way she could and immediately stepped into a helpful role that I didn't even know I needed. She gave me incredible back rubs, foot rubs, braided my hair and talked with me about her labor experience. I'm not one to ask for extra help, but it has been offered so much lately and I assume it's because I need it. I just don't always know it. I didn't know my back was so tense and how comforting it would be to have someone play with my hair. She was a sister when mine could not be there.

Similar to my labor with Oliver, my water did not break. And labor was slow. I decided at 8 centimeters and after about 20 hours of labor it was time for my doctor to break my water. Contractions were becoming intense and I was losing energy. I didn't have breakfast or lunch or dinner that day and was surviving off of yogurt, crackers and sips of juice from earlier. But now it was just ice chips for me and two incredible coaches to hold me through. I didn't realize how important Shane and Ruth would be, but in those last few hours I needed them as close as possible. They were keeping me focused, keeping me sane and loving me as much as they could. After the doctor broke my water he said I was almost ready to start pushing and I could do some smaller pushes to practice and sort of test myself to see how ready I felt. I decided to try small pushes as the urges became stronger and it actually felt really good. I felt less pain and it seemed to give me more energy as I focused my efforts during each contraction. Ruth and Shane were so encouraging as they seemed genuinely impressed with each push. I've been anxious about pushing since my experience with my first labor was not very good. It felt forced rather than natural and I pushed for over 2 hours while never really feeling a real urge.

Suddenly the urges became so strong I had no control over my pushes. I wasn't going to be able to wait for the doctor to show up. Thankfully the nurse found the doctor, they got me in the delivery position and I heard him say "Get everyone else in hear right now! This baby is coming!" It was very painful and intense. But it was exciting because I felt like my body was doing what it had to without my having to tell it. I remember hearing my self yelling as I pushed (how can anyone be quiet while pushing so hard??) and remember trying to cry out "Jesus" but barely being able to get my mouth around the word. But my head was crying out to Him to be close and help me survive this. For some reason I kept my eyes shut for the entire last segment of labor. More people I don't even remember (probably because my eyes were shut) gathered into the room and I felt like it was almost the end when my doctor said, "Okay, Jessica, now stop. Don't. Do. Anything." My mind was so confused by that statement. How on earth can I stop myself? I wasn't in control! But I guess I was because I stopped myself and just breathed deeply as I trembled against the urge to push. Then doctor said, "The baby is going to come out on his own. Don't do anything and he's going to slowly come out." SLOWLY?? The last thing I want is for this last part to go slowly. Let's get this over with! But I trusted my doctor and those last few seconds were strange and definitely slow. But they were just seconds. Then I was instructed to gently and slowly push the baby out the rest of the way. Apparently I did it right. I heard something about a cord being around the neck and then baby was here. I heard a cry and heard them suck out the fluid from his throat and the cry became louder. Then I pulled the gown up (thanks to Ruth for reminding me that I wanted skin-to-skin contact), he was placed on my chest and all I could say was, "We did it. Thank you, God. Baby, we did it." Then I heard someone (maybe Shane?) say, "Is it a boy?" and I said, "It better be!" and I heard people laugh. Sure enough, it's a boy. And I whispered, "Hi, Benjamin. You're here." I couldn't believe he came so quickly. I'm not sure exactly how long I pushed but it was no 2 hours. My heart filled with relief and purpose. Pain has purpose and I felt every ounce of it.

Benjamin Larson. September 14, 8:09 p.m. Right on his due date. 7 lbs. 2 oz. 18.5 inches long.

Oliver came in shortly after to meet his new brother and I loved how big and excited his eyes were. He didn't want to touch him. He appeared to be nervous and clung to Shane as he drew near to my bed. He leaned over and when little Benjamin sneezed a little sneeze Oliver giggled. He is real and he is human. Phew.

We made it home in less than 24 hours and I'm recovering quickly with the help of pain medication. It's amazing how Benjamin has made himself comfortable in our home. We have been unceasingly blessed as friends bring meals, send gifts and pitch in to buy us the expensive necessities for a new baby. I can honestly say this first week with our new son has been blissful. Even in the middle of the night I am thankful to be woken up as it gives me reason to cuddle and stare at Benjamin in peace. Oliver is happily adjusting. He doesn't seem shocked that the baby is still living with us. Shane and I appreciate baby's nap times so we can play and be alone with Oliver like old times. I've only cried once, so I suppose I'm not experiencing any postpartum depression at this point. I'm enjoying this vacation of family-filled days. I feel like I'm being filled to the brim of what I've been lacking for months. I've only thought of work maybe twice but am soon distracted by little squeaks and baby smells. This is what it's like for my cup to overflow.

Happenings at Home.

As some of you know, Shane's sister, Amanda has been living with us as she transitions after 5 years of living and teaching math in Indonesia. I know it has been difficult for her to depend on us as she looks for a job and not be able to help provide. But she has provided in unique ways and blessed our family every day that she has been here. She has made herself especially at home in our kitchen baking delicious treats and throwing together fantastic meals. And she has kept my floors swept more frequently than I ever have! She's a pro at keeping up on dishes and laundry and I'm afraid she's spoiling Shane. He has had a lot of opportunities to work on projects in the garage and keep up with the lawn because Amanda is available to watch Oliver. Oliver's knowledge of numbers has improved significantly and to top it all off he is learning a second language! He uses Indonesian words frequently throughout the day and I can't keep up with him!

I came home from work the other day and he greeted me by showing me a scratch on his foot and saying what sounded like, "suck it! suck it! suck it!" I looked at him bewildered and asked Amanda and Shane, "Ok, who told Oliver to tell me to suck his foot??" They started laughing and told me that he was actually saying "Sakit" which means "hurt" or a wound. Hilarious. I'm not sure when he'll ever use Indonesian...but he picks it up so quickly and I'm just glad he's learning another language! It's amazing that he understands these are different words and that they have English equivalents (sort of). How does his little brain know the difference between two languages?

On another cute note, Oliver seems very aware that baby will be arriving any day now. He has this little book called "I'm a Big Brother," and it's practically the ONLY book he wants to read the past 3 days. We have already read it 6 times today. And yesterday we read it 7 times. He has memorized it and does not get bored with it. It's like he's trying to mentally prepare for a baby and he wants to understand his role. I am most looking forward to Oliver meeting our new son. It's what cheers me on as we take walks and wait for labor to begin. Hopefully the next blog will be announcing the arrival of Some Really Cute Name We Haven't Picked Yet!

Just a few of the treats Amanda has made for us: