In the Meantime

Sabbatical

2012-01-31T21:43:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a blog sabbatical. One of my New Year's resolutions is to write letters instead of blog posts. I think if I do post anything here it will be short and sweet. I want to encourage relationship and be more open and vulnerable with the people in my life. Blogging is a very "open" avenue to reflect, I suppose, but has a pretty broad audience with hardly any real, personal connection. And I've found that having an audience often feels safer for me than interacting one-on-one with someone (although the opposite is more likely true). Maybe later in the year I'll get gutsy and start calling people on the phone. Eeek.

Really...I'm not a hermit. But the internet has sure given me some habits I'm not so fond of.

The Wonder of Christmas

2011-12-14T16:10:00.000-08:00

I asked God a few weeks ago for the wonder of the Christmas season. That I may understand the birth of his Son in a new, deeper way. I don't know why he didn't just give it to me right then so I could have been more worshipful these last few weeks! Hah. Perhaps it would have been pearls given to the swine. But today, in the middle of a tight work deadline, the middle of the day in the middle of the week, my eyes are stinging and my heart is in my throat as I ponder the prophesied Savior born in Bethlehem. This place of worship came to me out of thin air when I listened to this "song," and hasn't left me yet. It's a place of wonder in my heart that only God can plant. I asked, and he gave…today. 11:30 a.m., December 14. I would not have guessed my heart was ready today.

I can ask. Seek. Knock. But who am I to predict or suggest that God will show up or I will experience Him at the time I ask Him to? We are so limited to time and space, but friends, God is not. I may knock, and weeks later he comes to the door. I do not understand His perfect timing.

God is a mystery, and I am captivated beyond imagination.

<p>&amp;lt;a href="http://folkangel.bandcamp.com/track/god-with-us-feat-isaac-wimberley"&amp;gt;God With Us (feat. Isaac Wimberley) by Folk Angel&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;</p>

Phone Photo Madness

2011-12-05T15:50:00.000-08:00

Here are a few unrelated assortment of photos from my phone that I gave up trying to upload through its wireless capabilities and just plugged the darn thing into a computer so I could finally share them.

I love his purple eye lids and golden hair.

This belongs in this blog. :)

Comstock Park. Another Saturday of fun with Mommy. It was almost too cold to be out here, but there were piles of leaves everywhere that we couldn't pass up!

Oliver's first season of SoccerTots is about to end so I had to snap a photo. He's the one in brown on the right. Go Oliver!

This is from way back this year when warm weather was familiar. I have a self-taught chef for a husband. Here is some of his grilled handiwork.

Benjamin's first flight! This was on our way to Illinois to visit my family. He was a bit squirmy, but we were prepared with toys, snacks and books. Could have been a lot worse.

This blog could have been saved for the end of the year as a recap of 2011!

Saturday At It's Best

2011-10-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

I had a weekend alone with Oliver and Benjamin because Shane went hunting.

It was entirely what I needed. I played "stay-at-home mom" and did everything I wanted to do with my kids. Here are some moments from our Saturday together.

We started the morning watching Mr. Rogers. It was Oliver's first time seeing the show and he really loved it; probably even more than I did as a kid. The rest of the weekend he wanted to wear button or zip-up shirts like Mr. Rogers, and wear shoes with laces. :)

I had time to just do simple household chores that normally feel like a burden on a weeknight. I enjoy doing laundry. Especially when I don't have to. But who takes a picture of their laundry? I do.

Our next activity was taking a trip to the neighborhood library! Sounds normal, but I haven't been to the library in a couple of years. It was exciting to browse with my little boys and pick out a pile of goodies. Being the first time to the library with both Oliver and Benjamin, it was fun to watch how they both enjoyed it differently. Oliver quietly wandered around the aisles picking out books and putting them back, and helped me carry the load when it got too heavy. Benjamin thought the library was a maze or playground and he ran up and down aisles pulling everything off shelves squealing loudly when he saw I was chasing him.

I took this photo in the library parking lot through my rainy windshield. I am just struck by the vibrant colors of fall right now. I feel like my eyes are huge just taking in the beauty of it.

From the library we went to the Rosauers/Huckleberry's store near our house. I let Oliver ride in the car cart and just slowly walked around giving myself time to remember all the things I always forget to buy. Light bulbs, baby snacks, tissues, tupperware. Then we ate some macaroni and cheese at the cafe in the store and called that lunch before heading home. (I took a photo on my phone but can't get it to upload for some lame reason. I know the reason...it's a lame phone.)

While Benjamin took a nap, I seized the opportunity to roast a pound of Yemen coffee beans. I bet you've never tried Yemen coffee before! :) When they reach the desired level of roasting I have to run outside with the colander of beans to let them cool because a) the smoke is so intense and b) the chaff from the beans gets everywhere.

After Benjamin woke up we played with sticks in the yard and played in the hammock. The boys would laugh when a big gust of wind would throw leaves all over us. I was having too much fun to take any pictures.

I made this for dinner. I thought it was pretty tasty, but the boys didn't think so. C'mon, kids!

After dinner Oliver asked if we could go to the bookstore. Hastings is only 4 blocks away, and I wasn't worn out yet, so I agreed. I let them run around and play with the toys. Oliver brought his own leftover birthday money so he could buy something small. He picked these out.

The T-Rex is for himself, and the raccoon he bought for Benjamin.

When evening came we read all of our library books.

Oliver stayed up late with me to watch the 2nd Harry Potter movie then fell asleep on the sofa chair. Carrying him to bed was the perfect way to end my day. I think we'd all agree that a sleeping child is a taste of true peace.

It was like a vacation day for me. I've been needing that kind of Saturday for a long time.

And I took a picture of myself to prove I was really there. Ha. Ha.

Of One Kind and Another

2011-09-08T06:25:00.000-07:00

Some hours burst with inspiration to the point I feel quite immobilized.

And again it started with coffee…

Followed by a string of really great blog posts from strangers who appreciate art and beauty. My Avett Brothers Pandora station helped too.

What do you feel when you are overwhelmingly inspired? I feel like sharing. It's most unsatisfying to see something beautiful when you're the only one who sees it. It's such a natural tendency in us to want to share experiences and emotion. So, I call someone, or blog about it, or just write it down so that there's at least a possibility I can share it later.

When this kind of inspiration comes over me I panic a bit because I know how fleeting it is. It's a gift and I want to be a good steward, ya know?

My first urge is to be productive and squeeze every bit of juice I have into something that will somehow be profitable. I have an addiction to being productive and often feel a moment should never be wasted. But as I get older I'm working on just enjoying or letting it be. To sit still and savor. I realize that moments are intrinsically valuable and don't need to be productive in order for it to be worth something. I see a great need in myself to let go of productivity. I'm sure it's useful and makes me a great employee and teammate. But not always a good mom or wife or friend. Just be.

* * * * * a few hours later * * * * *

The fleeting moment did pass. Inspiration of one kind left and another arrived. A very different kind. I went downtown with the UGM writer and my office roomie, Barb, to take photos of this homeless couple she interviewed over the weekend. Sammy and Amber are young and have lost all rights to their children. Their childhood pasts aren't pretty at all. They use meth to numb their pain. It was so good to be down there talking to people. But it was hard. Their story is tragic; their plight not very hopeful. I did get some photos, although it was awkward and they were nervous and I rushed the process. So not very many turned out. I hope I have at least one I can use for our next newsletter. Barb and I left feeling a lot of despair for them and for homelessness in our community as a whole. It's a lot to carry. It's a huge story that needs told on a regular basis. But we don't have a perfect solution. UGM can be a solution for some people, but many who are on the streets won't or can't be helped. But maybe we can help others see the homeless as people like you and me. Barb shared a link with me about a photo project on homelessness in San Diego and I was inspired by what the photographer said:

"I think that making that connection is the first step. Then hopefully more people will put pressure on our city leaders, more people will volunteer, more people will donate to some of the great service providers in the city."

"…it was clear that we have to listen to individual stories if we're to understand homelessness in our community."

So, I'm re-inspired to be a part of a movement in Spokane that is helping the homeless. Pain can be inspiring, and I experienced that today. I'm inspired to help Barb tell their story and I hope I can do it justice. I'm praying a lot because I'm scared out of my mind that I won't do it right and I don't feel worthy to communicate such an important message that is so close to God's heart. I know a little how Moses felt when God said:

"And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the

way the Egyptians are oppressing them.

So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the

Israelites out of Egypt.

But Moses said to God, 'Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring

the Israelites out of Egypt?'"

And this is how God responded: "I will be with you."

I wrote a poem (kind of) to express my experience in some way. I used some of what Sammy said today and some of my own thoughts when I put myself in his worn-out shoes.

LOOK.

Look at me.

I'm under a bridge, but I'm not hiding.

I don't trust nobody, but I'll face ya.

I'll look ya in the eye.

At least for a few seconds.

"Don't wear your house shoes in the yard."

Ya never know when you'll have to run.

Every day is a bad day and I'm scared to go to sleep.

I don't wanna take your money.

But I need a place to stay. A place to clean up every day and shave so I can go to work.

I wear out a pair of socks a day. I need socks.

My feet hurt.

At least I have her. We're all each other has.

Coffee Cata-List

2011-08-25T15:38:00.000-07:00

A list spurred by thankfulness.

Mary Beth. For spontaneously buying me a bag of Thomas Hammer coffee beans. Local. Freshly roasted. Deelish. You inspired this blog (hence the awesome title to this post).
Northwest weather. I was made for it.
Sons that love waking up and are all smiles in the morning. We need that in our family.
Friendships that, in their own way, withstand time and distance. Particularly thinking of my high school clan: Stephanie, Lindsay and Norman. Miss you girls.
The nearness of fall.
√ .....Always satisfying.
The huge, awkward grocery cart with the plastic car attached to the front. Oliver's joy makes it worth it. And it's nice passing another parent who sacrificed their dignity for the same cause, I don't feel so ridiculous.
Skype. Making it so you don't seem so far way.
BBQ sandwich and blackberries to get me through the afternoon. I love the kitchen staff where I work. They're alway surprising us with food when we most need it. One thing this place is good at is hospitality.

Plum Worn Out

2011-08-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

Too sleepy to finish his plum.

11 months...whaaat?

2011-08-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

This is crazy. Benjamin is almost 1 year old! Life has moved so fast this last year I'm almost falling out of my chair. He's a strong walker and climber. Our predictions from the womb are holding true. We figured this boy would be a go-getter with lots of energy. He doesn't have much desire for learning words and reading books. There are too many other things to do! Like learn to climb up on couches and beds, bang on Dad's djembe, find a way to sneak into the bathroom and splash in the toilet (not a joke). I'm not saying he doesn't care about communicating. He LOVES to tell you what he thinks. You WILL hear his side of the story. You might not understand, but you'll know he cares. He is the loudest when he knows you aren't listening. He is probably going to be one of those tantrum-throwing 2-year-olds. So, I need to start working on showing him that I am listening and I do understand how it feels. It's tragic when you want to play with sharp, pointy pencils and no one will let you. Poor guy.

I'm wondering if Benjamin will be a good artist though. I handed him a crayon when Oliver and I were drawing pictures and instead of holding it in a fist like most babies do, he turns the crayon around and holds it like a paintbrush and start scribbling away. Made Shane and I exclaim proudly.

This last month Benjamin has started taking a liking to brushing his teeth. That took us by surprise. He sees us doing it and wants to join in the fun. He's pretty good at it, but needs more than 2 teeth if he wants to spend 5 whole minutes scrubbing.

It sure is fun to see how children can look and act so differently. Makes me want another one just to see what else our genes can come up with! Haha. ...I'm not in any hurry though. I'm enjoying not having any baby fat. This isn't likely to last forever.

Cleaning House

2011-08-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

Do you ever notice a change of seasons in your life and you don't know how it started or why it's happening so suddenly? That's what this last week has seemed like to me. Someone must be praying for us. No, we haven't bought a house, I haven't changed jobs, and there have been no family emergencies. Shane and I are seeing chaos in our house slowly being turned to order. It's exactly something I asked God for not more than three weeks ago. Everything was (and still is, actually) really messy both physically and internally for our family. Shane and I both realized we needed to make some big changes about ourselves and trusted that those changes would carry over into our household. It's hard to change old habits. It's hard to face junk in yourself and admit that you're hurting more than yourself, but your spouse and children with those habits.

Shane lead the way and started training for a triathlon. He's been swimming across lakes and running miles on a foot that was broken in four places a year and a half ago. It hurts, but not enough to make him stop. I'm amazed at his sudden motivation and diligence. I need to get in shape too but am at a serious loss at how to start and when on Earth I'll possibly find time. So I signed up to get an online personal health coach through one of my work benefits (I am blessed to have such a great job!). Baby steps, right? She has some good suggestions and I'm excited to try them.

We've been slowly removing processed sugars from our diet. We're not Nazis about it yet, but it's making a difference. Now I just need to be better about avoiding them at work (people just love to donate pastries and chocolate to this place). I did stop buying coffee creamers and now just use palm sugar and cream. And fruit replaced sugar on our cereal. Baby steps.

Last Saturday morning Shane spotted a HUGE wolf spider in our living room. It ran away at lightning speed and as Shane was searching in corners he noticed another spider. And another. And another. In a state of school-girl frenzy we tore our living room apart and ended up killing about 12 spiders, big and small in our living room. Talk about a motivator for cleaning every corner of the house! We ended up clearing the entire living room of furniture, books and decorations, swept and mopped the floors, dusted and separated out every item we really didn't need to give to thrift stores. The biggest accomplishment of all was finally removing our television. Bad habit: GONE. Thank you, vampire spider, for being the catalyst to life change. Our entryway is still crowded with some random misplaced items, so the chaos isn't gone. But we are suddenly motivated to tackle every room in the house the same way. This Saturday: kitchen and bedrooms. This is what I prayed for! Order in our house!

There have been other beautiful examples of answers to this prayer. Shane is designing his own method of teaching Oliver to draw letters in Adobe Illustrator, and it's really clicking for Oliver (with a little help from Goldfish snacks). Shane and I have taken some big steps in our relationship as well. We've also added some weekly one-on-one time to our calendar.

Something is happening. It's difficult right now because we're impatient to be out of our mess and living in a clean home and healthy lifestyle. But some things don't happen fast, especially if you're going to be thorough and do the job well.

10 months, yo.

2011-07-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

Leaps and bounds this past month!

Benjamin is now walking. But only in straight lines. :)
He has two beautiful bottom teeth!
He's getting even LOUDER.
He can clap, wave and say "haaaa" (hi).
His hair is getting much lighter and even curly in the back.
His diet is consisting of more table food and water.
He is more clingy and shies away from other people.
We started leaving him in the nursery at church and he has a really great time it seems. He's just way too loud for the church service!
If you say, "I'm gonna get you!" He squeals and crawls in the other direction.
He dances every time he hears a beat.
Benjamin celebrated his first Fourth of July. We don't have pictures of the ground fireworks we played with, but here he is that same weekend.

Benjamin is 9 months!

2011-06-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

This little booger wants to grow up. He's toothless, but already standing up on his own without holding onto anything. Yesterday he took his first step! It was just one, and we'll let you know when walking really begins. We noticed he doesn't learn for the sake of learning or reward, but progresses when he's having fun. I'm not even sure he realizes he's learning to walk. He doesn't respond as much as Oliver did to our praise and excitement. He's just having fun and doing his own thing. Confident, independent, vocal. He cries and yells for just about everything, but I don't think it's an emotional thing. He just wants you to know what he thinks. He wants to be heard and gets over it once you acknowledge his point.

We're having a lot of fun with Benjamin. He has added a whole new personality to our home. We're exhausted, but very much in love with God's gift of family.

Ali is 25!

2011-06-04T20:11:00.001-07:00

Little sister. She's more than a sister as most sisters are. Ali and I, almost 2 years apart used to be inseparable.

People used to think we were twins. We both loved horses and pretty clothes, had huge imaginations and loved to play house. Being a mom was our ultimate dream. Especially if it included a handsome hero and horses. We were great at being inspired and joining in on each other's excitement about something. Being so close in age and so similar we were quite competitive with one another and had a pretty roller coaster love/war relationship. In high school we strove for independence and stole the other's cute clothes and makeup. I think we each admired the other in some way but still wanted to be our own person. There was a lot of yelling and blaming and bitterness.

Somehow we came out of young adulthood with a deep love and respect for each other. And it's exciting to grow up with her and start families. We both have changed so much in the last 3-4 years because of how our roles have changed in life. We are living that dream of motherhood and realizing who we really are inside. And when I think of Ali Shea, I think of strength. Passion. She has this deep well of love and forgiveness that is hard to find in people. She owns very little but feels very rich. She is a giver like my dad, an optimist like my mom and holds zero expectations on others. If you ever have met her you will most likely smile within the first 20 seconds of being with her. Her smile and humor are contagious. I have NEVER met anyone so comfortable in her own skin around complete strangers even. I am always impressed by how real she is and how irresistible it is to laugh when I'm around her. What a gift God has given you, Ali. You will change more lives than you realize by pouring out of yourself all that amazingness stuffed inside! Happy Birthday, Ali Shea.

Brudder.

2011-05-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

Happy 23rd Birthday, Evan! Wish we could hang out all the time and get to know each other all over again. So much has happened since I left for college, got married, moved to Washington, launched a career, had some babies. Who are you now? What are your passions? What are you learning? I miss you, Evan. You mean so much to me and I'm horrible at saying so. I'm horrible at actually showing it. I'm so proud of you. You learned and exceeded in music faster than I ever could. At about the time you were in high school I noticed how naturally you lead others just by being true to who you are. I love how you honestly pursue God and seek truth. And something I think everyone sees and appreciates is that you love and are affectionate without reservation. I may not know entirely who you are these days, but these things I do know.

There is No Meantime

2011-05-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

It’s the 8-month mark for Benjamin! Can you believe it? Life is drastically changing since he has started crawling. We’re finally getting that sense of, “Wow, this is way different than having just one,” that everyone warned us about. Poor Shane has basically given up on house chores. So, don’t be offended if we don’t invite you over for the next 6 months or so. Benjamin is desperately wanting to walk and we’re wondering if he’ll be ready for his first steps in the next couple of months. He pulls himself up with one hand now and tests himself by letting go. But his upper body is just too big for his chubby legs to hold, I think.

Oliver grew a few inches I think. And he learned to hit a baseball (plastic) without the tee this month. We’ve found that he does better when he’s not under pressure. He has terrific natural instincts and is very physically capable…except when everyone is watching him or you ask him to do it. Then he buckles and suddenly can’t perform. Shane says he was/is the same way. It’s wonderful to realize more about yourself by watching your kid. It sure helps you know how to respond and encourage them the right way. I love how humble Oliver is, and if he doesn’t want to perform he doesn’t have to. I don't blame him. I just hope he gains more confidence in himself and realizes he is gifted and has much to offer the world.

I feel like a lot has happened in one month. I started to write in my journal every Saturday to recap the week, because I think there are some important events in life I too soon forget. Every week is so different and it’s neat to see how life progresses in small events.

This week was especially intense. Our friend, Emad, from church is a refugee from Iraq and has lived in the U.S. for a couple years now. He gave a young man a ride home from a 7-Eleven on Monday. When he stopped the car the guy attacked Emad with an iron bar and hit him over the head several times. Emad got out of the car and the guy ran after him hitting him some more until onlookers scared him away. He was able to give a report of the incident but then later lost his memory. It was strange visiting him in the hospital and he not recognize us. He didn’t even remember his own son who is Oliver’s age. Thankfully the blows did not break his skull and he’s slowly starting to remember some things. Please say a prayer for him. He has been through a lot as it is since coming to the States.

Our friend, Amy, got hit and run over by a truck at a crosswalk downtown on Tuesday. I believe she is still in the hospital, but amazingly did not have any broken bones or internal bleeding. She is in a lot of pain and her wounds and the trauma will take months to heal. She has come so far in recovery in the past few days. Everyone is amazed by her strength and heart through all of this.

The strange thing is that Emad and Amy are friends. Amy and her husband, Brent, started the non-profit in Spokane that helps refugees called Global Neighborhood. It’s so strange to have two friends go through completely different traumatic events in two days time.

(Brent and Emad)

My problems seem so small that’s it’s ridiculous to even mention that I’m burnt out from work and freelancing and being a mom and wife. I am completely exhausted. I really want to help Shane clean the house this weekend...but not really. Today we’re going to check out this house we’re interested in that’s about 40 minutes away (are we crazy?). Then we might do more thrift store shopping (I wish Global Neighborhood Thrift was open!). Then we have a house-warming party this afternoon for some friends. I think we’re skipping church tomorrow to have a day of no activity and rest. We considered a trip to Shane’s home for his dad’s birthday, but that would probably just exhaust us more.

I wish I had more time to blog because there are some fun things I’d like to share and wish I could write more than just updates like this. But life is intense these days and I don’t feel like sharing frivolous things when life isn’t frivolous. It’s amazing and changing and hard.

Benjamin is 7 months. Oliver is taller.

2011-04-15T12:28:00.000-07:00

Benjamin's physical and mental growth was significant this month. He's really starting to become his own person. Not only did he learn to scoot around on his belly (he's trying so hard to get his legs under him so he can crawl!), but he's learning to eat solids as well (that crazy tongue gets in the way sometimes). One significant change is that when I leave for work he cries and when I come home he gets so excited and yells and reaches for me. That feels amazing. He missed me! He has been sleeping in our bed a lot at night which I actually love sinse I'm away from him during the day. A couple days ago he learned that he can make a new noise. This might be hard to explain...He moves his arm up and down over his mouth while he yells so he makes a Native American war call sound. Haha. We started doing it to him first because he yells so much and he seemed to like it. And now he can do it by himself! Isn't it funny how the small things are easy to get excited about with babies? It's an amazing process to watch them learn and try new things.

One thing we always have to be on our toes about now is keeping small objects and paper out of his way since he is officially mobile. He manages to get hold of pieces of paper and completely shred them. He's like a puppy. He drools all over everything, chews on stuff, is really noisy, gets excited when you walk in the door and prefers to sleep in your bed as opposed to his own. :) But what puppy can make an Indian war call, right??

I'm not sure you can count "Dada" as a first word when he's been saying it for a couple months now. It's more like "D" was his first consonant he mastered. I'm working on "Mama." He mostly yells. And makes that "pbpbpbpbpbpbpbpb" sound with his lips. It's cutest when you catch him talking quietly to himself while he's playing. I wonder what he's pretending. :)

Oliver is changing as well. He's growing so tall that we had to dish out for some new clothes this month. Both grandmas helped out in this department not knowing it was the perfect time! Oliver is a very serious young man and his feelings get hurt pretty easily. It's a hard balance to be firm with a child during a melt down but still express understanding and show grace because he's still so little. He deeply loves Benjamin and makes him laugh easily by jumping on the bed and running crazy around the house. You can tell Benjamin wants to run and jump with him when he gets so excited and squeals. They'll be a cute pair when Ben finds his legs. Oliver sometimes has a hard time sharing toys. He doesn't like all the drool I think. He has learned he is no longer the center of attention and handles it like a big boy. I hate having to say, "I'm sorry I can't play, I'm feeding Benjamin. But I will play when I'm done." I so want him to know that I love being with him and he is just as important. I suppose sharing and sacrifice is a good lesson for all children to learn at an early age. It's just extra hard to tell what's going on in Oliver's head because he doesn't often express it.

Oliver, our introverted, intellectual, grown-up little boy.
Benjamin, our loud, social, ball of energy and giggles.
They're meant to be together.

Short story: Oliver has been playing with my French phrase and dictionary pocketbook a lot. He opened it up the other day (upside-down) and said,

"I'll read you a story.
God died.
Then God is alive!
Then God went into the water with the fish and the whales and the sharks!
The end."

Well, that's a new angle of the Easter story if I've ever heard one!

Benjamin - 6 months

2011-03-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

I have a 6 month old. Half a year old, Benjamin! He's a chunky little boy with plenty of personality to share. I'm so glad he's a whole different kind of person than Oliver. It makes it interesting to do this whole baby thing again but have completely different results. I love Oliver's shy, quiet, observant and calm way. He's like a pleasant bowl of warm soup on a chilly day. Benjamin is a little more spicey. He's like a flavorful grilled shish kabob. Funny way to talk about my children I suppose. Hehe. Benjamin is our little extrovert and fully engages with people, books, artwork, photographs, the outdoors, toys, you name it. It's very energizing to say the least. And sometimes quite exhausting.

New tricks:

He's sitting up on his own now. Sort of. It's dangerous to leave him on his own because when he does fall over he can't catch himself. Ouch.
He says Dadadadadadadada a lot and is learning lots of new vowels and consonants.
He grabs for the bottle and freaks out in desperation when he sees one.
He's not that interested in eating solids right now (except for a juicy plum Oliver decided to share with him the other day). But he's gaining plenty of rolls with just breast milk. He does watch us eat and drink with intense interest.
He's scooting around a bit on his tummy.
He is finally starting to show an interest in walking. When you hold his hands he takes steps. Oliver did that from about 3 months old but Benjamin is just now starting to try it.
He sticks out his unusually long tongue. All. The. Time.

What a boy. He's so hilarious. We love you, Benjamin.

Not That I Have Time to Read...

2011-03-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

I want to win this book.
That's why I'm posting this video:

What story are you telling? from Rhetorik Creative on Vimeo.

Art in the Raw

2011-01-22T13:06:00.000-08:00

Inspired by some new Christmas gifts I'm making an effort to nurture my relationship with art. I started with a new pen and ink set and a scrap piece of paper. I did a quick drawing of my old friend, Spiderman, from memory. He has a few quirks and strange anatomical mishaps, but it was fun to draw him again. He used to be my character of choice in high school and college.

And my next endeavor will be a revisit to a favorite medium, watercolor.

And with a little creative fuel, I might muster up something for the walls...or next year Christmas gifts! Thanks, Amanda, for the French press! It's a lot harder to be satisfied with the office's coffee now.

A Decade of Life Change.

2010-12-31T23:36:00.000-08:00

Instead of looking past on just the last year, it might be more interesting to reflect all that has taken place in the past decade of my life.

Survived Y2K.
Discovered a love for theatre.
Learned to play guitar.
My older sister got married as I continued to search for the love of my own life.
Graduated high school thinking it was a big event in life and I would be close to my friends forever.
Discovered the thrill of art and design.
Took my first trip by air.
Found out I could sing.
Jumped into two serious relationships (not simultaneously) and broke hearts.
Experienced what it was like to be rejected by the church.
Felt what it was like to fail my parents.
Tasted my first desire for world travel.
Found out I was a sinner too.
Survived the rebel in my soul.
Moved to Arkansas. She needed Wide Open Spaces. ...and a decent education.
Swore off relationships for at least a couple of years,
Then met the man I wanted to marry and asked him out to ballroom dancing.
Asked the hardest questions about my faith.
Experienced true acceptance and mercy.
Crammed 4 years worth of graphic design education into 2.5 years.
Traveled to and fell in love with the Northwest USA.
Met the Pacific Ocean and Cascade Mountains.
Experienced culture shock for the first time in the Morgan log cabin.
Left the United States for the first time to eat ice cream.
Convinced the weirdest guy in the world to marry me.
Made the second biggest commitment of my life and gave up my Neumanhood.
Received my BS in Graphic Design.
Moved to the Northwest USA.
Learned to snowboard.
Made new friends with Shane's Whitworth College friends.
Saw the large reality of homelessness in the city.
Made a decision to have a baby.
Almost lost my father-in-law.
Obtained and quit my first design job in 6 months time.
Ran away to the backwoods of Idaho and lived with the moose and wolves.
Developed an appreciation for isolation.
Made friends with lumberjacks.
Welcomed my younger sister's first child and walked in her wedding.
Did my own research, decided to have a natural birth and came out of the experience a new woman.
Fell in love with the sweetest little boy in the WORLD.
Moved back to Spokane taking a big leap from stay-at-home mom to full-time designer.
Became friends with the homeless and grew a passion for helping the poor.
Developed friendships like I've never known before.
Accepted and conquered my first challenge of rebranding a company.
Traveled overseas for the first time to Indonesia and will never be the same.
Said a final goodbye to my last three grandparents in one year.
Experienced the amazing love and community of the church.
Decided with Shane to become a family of four.
Said a final goodbye to Shane's grandpa and played/sang at his military funeral.
Almost lost my father-in-law again.
Found contentment in the city.
Fell in love with the happiest little boy in the WORLD and felt my heart grow larger and fuller than ever.
Celebrated the birth of my sister's second child/first daughter.
Reentered the working world as a mother of two.
Started a new endeavor to learn and experience the spiritual disciplines.
Experienced my first Christmas without being homesick for Illinois.
Almost stayed up until midnight to celebrate the coming of 2011.

My 3 year old

2010-12-25T22:48:00.000-08:00

Oliver is 3 now. He's so big! And so little.

Three is the age I started to retain memories of life.
My dad says he remembers his kids most when we were two and three.
There's a sweet innocence and an excitement for life and learning.
People say that time flies and your kids are grown before you know it. But I don't exactly feel like these last few years have flown by. Instead I feel like Oliver has always been a part of my life. My life before him is so distant and seems decades ago. The girl I was before him seems so vastly different. My emotions, my motives, my strongest desires have changed.

One thing I realized this past week is that I used to think I knew what intense emotion was. I used to think I knew what it was like to experience love and attachment to its fullest. But I had NO IDEA the intensity of emotion and love I would experience when becoming a parent. It's the kind of intensity you can die from. That's how it feels. It's amazing. And it started with Oliver 3 years ago. My existence will never be the same.

I'm yours forever, Oliver.

Benjamin, 3 months

2010-12-14T19:00:00.000-08:00

Benjamin turns 3 months today! He is changing so quickly. Faster than I remember Oliver changing.

He giggles and squeals with laughter at so many things. Especially Daddy. And his mirrored reflection.
He's drooling like crazy. Are teeth coming early? Like, really early?
He's kicking like crazy, strengthening those muscles and pushes against the floor to stand.
He's showing interest in his hands and tries to grab things (hasn't quite mastered that yet).
He is definitely the most social 3 month old I've ever met. He'll smile and coo at almost anyone who looks him in the eye. Even when he's tired and a bit grumpy, he loves personal interaction.
Shane just discovered he likes his head rubbed. He smiles real big and even gives a giggle when we rub his soft little head. So cute!

We are adjusting with my second week back at work. He takes a bottle very well and loves being with Daddy, so it has been an easy transition so far. I keep a picture at my desk and talk with Shane a couple times a day, so I don't feel so far away. I am very happy with how Benjamin is growing and adapting to life in this world. Who would have thought there would be room in our itty bitty home and itty bitty hearts for another person. I never thought I could love someone like I love Oliver. But of course I do. Benjamin brings a whole new kind of life to our home. His energy and delight for life is so refreshing and motivating. He fits perfectly with us.

I needed this.

2010-11-22T21:04:00.000-08:00

I needed days of inspiration and relaxation. I've needed it for months.

I took some pictures today of my pieces of inspiration. And Oliver and Benjamin were such good boys that I actually had time to be inspired and chill. Here's to hoping for more days like these, especially before I return to work in two weeks. Cheers!

Woke up to this. All kinds of inspirational flurries!

Coffee. Today with Peppermint Mocha creamer.

These guys. Always inspiring. And stinkin' cute.

Played my Sufjan Stevens (Holiday) Radio all day.

New iMac + CS5 = holy moly i'm excited

Ginger thinspiration! (i can't help myself)

Learning to crochet. Easier than knitting.

My favorite winter accessories. Wore them to the dentist today.

Thanks, Mary, for letting me dive into your books. So far, so fun.

Sleep in any form yields a harvest of inspiration.

Oh my goodness, I can't hardly breathe. Benjamiiiiiin!

Swoon.

2010-11-15T14:35:00.000-08:00

Happy 27th to my husband of 4.5 years. He is so special, but gets embarrassed when I publicly dote on him, so I'll restrain myself and just post some pictures of him at different stages in our life together. :) xoxo

At the Idaho ranch.

Seattle. My first trip to Washington when we were just dating.

Newly engaged.

Another ranch photo.

College days.

I barely knew him, but thought he was so dang cute.

At the ranch. The craziest snow ever.

My boyfriend gave himself a mohawk for a night. This was when I first met his brother, Moshe.

2 months old!

2010-11-14T22:47:00.000-08:00

Oh, baby Benjamin. You have squeezed yourself into my already full heart. These past two months have flown by but I'm surprised at how normal life feels with you. It's like we've been waiting for you all our lives. Expecting you. I have never seen a 2-month-old as happy as you are. Your smile is infectious. I can't get enough of it! You smile at almost anyone who smiles at you, and lately you've been cooing at me and attempt this thing called conversation. You are very social for someone so small. Thanks for sleeping so well lately. I've really needed it. And thanks for getting over that phase of hating diaper changes. Now you laugh and happily kick when I take off your diaper. And bath time is a favorite as well. You almost kicked out of my hands last time. Don't swim away! I especially love it when you smile and "laugh" at Oliver. I can tell he loves it when you do. He always wants to stroke your hair and cheeks and is constantly proclaiming his love for you. Today he said, "He's getting bigger and bigger!" I think he's excited to play with you. Sharing is not something he is very good at yet, but he might make an exception for you because you're so fun to be with. I think your eyes are turning brown. They're still a mixture of blue and brown, but they are definitely darker. You look a lot like I did as a baby and I wouldn't mind a bit if you ended up with chestnut hair and eyes. And freckles. :) But we'll hope for non-bowed legs, yeah? Anyway....

We are SO IN LOVE with you, Benjamin. Our family is so full now in a whole new way. I hope we can give you some exciting adventures and prepare you for the person you're meant to be.

Home

2010-10-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

I said goodbye to mom and dad on Tuesday. Hard. I smiled when we hugged and cried as I drove off. It felt like a piece of me was leaving. A part of me grieves every time I say goodbye to any of my family. But when I saw Spokane's skyline I suddenly felt a warm, homey feeling. This is my home and I love it. It might be the first time I've felt like this about Spokane. I used to despise this strange city that crowded me. It was a place where neighbors barely made eye contact and church felt like a big company meeting where my input wasn't really needed. I still have a hard time sometimes. It's easy to feel alone and I often spend entire days inside because I honestly don't know what else to do. I long so much for a simple country life where being alone is an expected and comfortable feeling. But right now I somehow am content where I live and it seems a more friendly place than ever before. Maybe it's the fall weather.

Having my parents here was like having a vacation. It's easy, at least for me, to share a house with them. It almost felt like we were somewhere else in a cabin, eating more food than usual and bumming around. I did hardly any housework (thanks mom!) and mom wanted to hold Benjamin almost every time he cried. It really was a vacation. We watched PBS shows, shopped at thrift stores, ate lots of food and played with the boys. I didn't take enough pictures (sorry). But it was so wonderful and I look forward to their next trip up. We even discussed road tripping and meeting half way sometime.

It's hard being away from my family. But I have slowly been digging my roots into the Northwest, even into this little neighborhood. It's wonderful making your own adventure in a new land. I realized as I drove my parents through town that I knew my way around Spokane really well. I knew shortcuts and scenic routes. I found my way to the historical mansions on the South Hill even though I had only come by them accidentally before. It reminds me of when I left Illinois to go to school in Arkansas and I was sad to leave a place where the roads were so familiar. I like familiar roads and knowing shortcuts to places. It has taken me a long time to get to that place again.

Love you, Dad and Mom. See you again soon.

Oh, the mix of motherhood.

2010-10-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

I wrote these entries on two very different days, but they balance both the bliss and the heavy load of being a mother.

10.5.10

Benjamin is three weeks old!

Amazing how close I feel to him and how it feels like we've known each other forever. His face is so familiar.

He is sleeping wonderfully (about 4 hour stretches at night) and eating very well. He has, however, become more fussy. I'm pretty sure he has gas problems, poor kid. A little patience and different positions usually help that though. Sometimes it's just a wet diaper. I've been trying different folds with the cloth diapers in order to find out what is most comfortable for him and what won't leak. I'm doing A LOT of laundry, but fortunately, it's probably the one house chore I don't really mind doing (usually).

Oliver hasn't really shown jealousy or disappointment. He says countless times throughout the day, "I love Benjamin." He loves to touch his little feet and pet his soft baby hair. But Shane and I are definitely experiencing the difficulty of spreading our attention to two kids as opposed to one. It just takes more effort to not leave one out when another is requiring so much of you. We both feel somehow closer to Oliver though and I think it's because our attention to him is more intentional. He is at the forefront of our mind because we want to be careful not to let him be forgotten. Shane said today, "How can my love for Oliver grow even more when I have two sons to give my love to now?" But I know exactly what he means. Before Benjamin, we were comfortable as a family of three and things got predictable and normal. But now that things aren't so comfortable we're pulling together even more and appreciate more what we are as a family.

It has been wonderful to have days at home. I needed this time off whether or not we had a baby. Work can become so consuming and it's nice to just let it go. Shane is helping fill in for me when I'm gone so I don't feel completely disconnected. I haven't decided if I'm glad about that. But I AM glad for the extra income and for Shane to have a regular outlet for his creativity.

10.9.10

"MOMMYYYYYY! MOMMYYYYYYYYYYY! I go pee!"

That was my morning alarm today. He peed. In bed.
Stumbling out of bed after a night full of pee issues with both my kids I can't believe this is how the day is starting.
Take him to the bathroom. Strip him down. Wipe him down. He's crying. Sigh. "It's ok, Oliver. It's ok."
Take him to his bedroom. Strip the bed. Get him new underwear.
Take him to the kitchen. Stick him in the high chair with some cereal.
Start a new load of laundry with literally every single pair of underwear Oliver owns because these last two days have been full of out-of-the-blue accidents. I thought we were over this, Oliver! I feel horrible because there's apparently something in that little brain of yours that is suddenly not connecting to the bladder. Why? Have we been unknowingly neglecting you? You seem perfectly normal on the outside, but are your emotions in upheaval on the inside? I'm sorry, Oliver.

I guess I'll have some cereal too. "Mommy, some juice?" Ok. Here's some juice. "Mommy, Elmo slippers?" Seriously, Oliver, you can be such a prince. Ok. Here are your slippers.
NOW, I'll have some cereal. 2 minutes of quiet breakfast. But not really quiet. My mind is suddenly very loud.

I need to do a second load of laundry once this one is done. This kitchen needs swept REALLY BAD; it's embarrassing. I can't believe I made that huge error in the checkbook. I wonder why stuff like that has to happen and how I can avoid making mathematical mistakes when I'm functioning like a zombie with kids. I hope Shane still isn't upset about it. Money somehow doesn't really bother me like it does him. When is my mother-in-law showing up? Today? Tomorrow? Maybe she'll sweep my kitchen. No, I should just do it. It will take 5 minutes. After I do the dishes. Later.

I hear Benjamin cry in the other room. I get up, then it stops. Oh yeah, Shane's in there with him. He can take care of him for now. "Mommy I done." Me too. I'm tired. It's Saturday. I turn on cartoons for Oliver then check on Benjamin. He's asleep on Shane's chest on the bed. They look so peaceful. Maybe I should go back to bed. Is it bad to sit your toddler in front of the TV then go back to bed? Hmm. I'll just stay up and watch cartoons too.

I wish I had time and energy to just sit and read. Or print out some pictures for those empty frames. Or even make a pot of coffee. But I feel like if I go back to bed I'll just have to crawl out of it again and that's a very disappointing feeling.

*This blog was cut short by who knows what.*

Let's end on a good note....

Benjamin's Arrival

2010-09-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

Monday evening I went to bed assuming that baby's due date, September 14, would come and go and soon be forgotten. Last Friday's OB appointment gave me reason to think this baby might wait another week. 10:00 p.m. rolled around and I was still trying to get comfortable in bed when I experienced the first of many painful contractions. By 6:00 a.m. Oliver was up and eating breakfast and my contractions were 8 minutes apart. I woke Shane and Amanda up so we could get ready for the hospital, trying to not be too excited in case my uterus was just faking it. I've heard so many stories about labor not really being labor and it seemed too good to be true for this baby to come on his due date.

Unlike my first labor experience (3.5 hour drive, 6 inches of slush and trees in the road) we only had a 15 minute drive to the hospital and even had time to swing by the Mission for Shane to drop off some paper work and inform the folks there that I would not be coming in for work. Contractions: 6 minutes apart. We arrived at the OBGYN clinic so my cervix could be checked. I was so fearful of the doctor saying I was only 2 centimeters and would have to go back home until I was REALLY in labor. This had to be real labor. It certainly felt like it and I have been more than ready for awhile now. C'mon baby, let's do this!

Thankfully, I was 5 centimeters and almost completely effaced. YES. We got to the hospital and experienced a very real deja vu as they directed us to the exact same room Oliver was born in and told us I was the only patient in the labor ward....same as when we were here December 24, 2007. Artie, my nurse, thoughtfully studied my birth plan. And thankfully this labor was different in that I felt like the nurses and my doctor let things move along without giving much input unless I asked for it. I was fortunate to have been the only patient the entire day. The staff didn't seem rushed or preoccupied at all. Time ticked and I dilated very slowly. Contractions were fairly easy to get through. I didn't even need Shane to lean on for most of the day and Oliver and Amanda were able to stay in the room with us. The atmosphere stayed pretty calm for a long time. Oliver was such a good kid. The nurses complimented him over and over. He was happy with his Curious George books and his little DVD player. And to tell you the truth, having Oliver in the room really relaxed me. His little happy heart was a great comfort. I wanted him close as long as possible. My friend Ruth showed up some time after lunch bringing fruit, crackers and sandwiches (the crackers were the only thing I could touch). She came to support me in whatever way she could and immediately stepped into a helpful role that I didn't even know I needed. She gave me incredible back rubs, foot rubs, braided my hair and talked with me about her labor experience. I'm not one to ask for extra help, but it has been offered so much lately and I assume it's because I need it. I just don't always know it. I didn't know my back was so tense and how comforting it would be to have someone play with my hair. She was a sister when mine could not be there.

Similar to my labor with Oliver, my water did not break. And labor was slow. I decided at 8 centimeters and after about 20 hours of labor it was time for my doctor to break my water. Contractions were becoming intense and I was losing energy. I didn't have breakfast or lunch or dinner that day and was surviving off of yogurt, crackers and sips of juice from earlier. But now it was just ice chips for me and two incredible coaches to hold me through. I didn't realize how important Shane and Ruth would be, but in those last few hours I needed them as close as possible. They were keeping me focused, keeping me sane and loving me as much as they could. After the doctor broke my water he said I was almost ready to start pushing and I could do some smaller pushes to practice and sort of test myself to see how ready I felt. I decided to try small pushes as the urges became stronger and it actually felt really good. I felt less pain and it seemed to give me more energy as I focused my efforts during each contraction. Ruth and Shane were so encouraging as they seemed genuinely impressed with each push. I've been anxious about pushing since my experience with my first labor was not very good. It felt forced rather than natural and I pushed for over 2 hours while never really feeling a real urge.

Suddenly the urges became so strong I had no control over my pushes. I wasn't going to be able to wait for the doctor to show up. Thankfully the nurse found the doctor, they got me in the delivery position and I heard him say "Get everyone else in hear right now! This baby is coming!" It was very painful and intense. But it was exciting because I felt like my body was doing what it had to without my having to tell it. I remember hearing my self yelling as I pushed (how can anyone be quiet while pushing so hard??) and remember trying to cry out "Jesus" but barely being able to get my mouth around the word. But my head was crying out to Him to be close and help me survive this. For some reason I kept my eyes shut for the entire last segment of labor. More people I don't even remember (probably because my eyes were shut) gathered into the room and I felt like it was almost the end when my doctor said, "Okay, Jessica, now stop. Don't. Do. Anything." My mind was so confused by that statement. How on earth can I stop myself? I wasn't in control! But I guess I was because I stopped myself and just breathed deeply as I trembled against the urge to push. Then doctor said, "The baby is going to come out on his own. Don't do anything and he's going to slowly come out." SLOWLY?? The last thing I want is for this last part to go slowly. Let's get this over with! But I trusted my doctor and those last few seconds were strange and definitely slow. But they were just seconds. Then I was instructed to gently and slowly push the baby out the rest of the way. Apparently I did it right. I heard something about a cord being around the neck and then baby was here. I heard a cry and heard them suck out the fluid from his throat and the cry became louder. Then I pulled the gown up (thanks to Ruth for reminding me that I wanted skin-to-skin contact), he was placed on my chest and all I could say was, "We did it. Thank you, God. Baby, we did it." Then I heard someone (maybe Shane?) say, "Is it a boy?" and I said, "It better be!" and I heard people laugh. Sure enough, it's a boy. And I whispered, "Hi, Benjamin. You're here." I couldn't believe he came so quickly. I'm not sure exactly how long I pushed but it was no 2 hours. My heart filled with relief and purpose. Pain has purpose and I felt every ounce of it.

Benjamin Larson. September 14, 8:09 p.m. Right on his due date. 7 lbs. 2 oz. 18.5 inches long.

Oliver came in shortly after to meet his new brother and I loved how big and excited his eyes were. He didn't want to touch him. He appeared to be nervous and clung to Shane as he drew near to my bed. He leaned over and when little Benjamin sneezed a little sneeze Oliver giggled. He is real and he is human. Phew.

We made it home in less than 24 hours and I'm recovering quickly with the help of pain medication. It's amazing how Benjamin has made himself comfortable in our home. We have been unceasingly blessed as friends bring meals, send gifts and pitch in to buy us the expensive necessities for a new baby. I can honestly say this first week with our new son has been blissful. Even in the middle of the night I am thankful to be woken up as it gives me reason to cuddle and stare at Benjamin in peace. Oliver is happily adjusting. He doesn't seem shocked that the baby is still living with us. Shane and I appreciate baby's nap times so we can play and be alone with Oliver like old times. I've only cried once, so I suppose I'm not experiencing any postpartum depression at this point. I'm enjoying this vacation of family-filled days. I feel like I'm being filled to the brim of what I've been lacking for months. I've only thought of work maybe twice but am soon distracted by little squeaks and baby smells. This is what it's like for my cup to overflow.

Happenings at Home.

2010-09-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, Shane's sister, Amanda has been living with us as she transitions after 5 years of living and teaching math in Indonesia. I know it has been difficult for her to depend on us as she looks for a job and not be able to help provide. But she has provided in unique ways and blessed our family every day that she has been here. She has made herself especially at home in our kitchen baking delicious treats and throwing together fantastic meals. And she has kept my floors swept more frequently than I ever have! She's a pro at keeping up on dishes and laundry and I'm afraid she's spoiling Shane. He has had a lot of opportunities to work on projects in the garage and keep up with the lawn because Amanda is available to watch Oliver. Oliver's knowledge of numbers has improved significantly and to top it all off he is learning a second language! He uses Indonesian words frequently throughout the day and I can't keep up with him!

I came home from work the other day and he greeted me by showing me a scratch on his foot and saying what sounded like, "suck it! suck it! suck it!" I looked at him bewildered and asked Amanda and Shane, "Ok, who told Oliver to tell me to suck his foot??" They started laughing and told me that he was actually saying "Sakit" which means "hurt" or a wound. Hilarious. I'm not sure when he'll ever use Indonesian...but he picks it up so quickly and I'm just glad he's learning another language! It's amazing that he understands these are different words and that they have English equivalents (sort of). How does his little brain know the difference between two languages?

On another cute note, Oliver seems very aware that baby will be arriving any day now. He has this little book called "I'm a Big Brother," and it's practically the ONLY book he wants to read the past 3 days. We have already read it 6 times today. And yesterday we read it 7 times. He has memorized it and does not get bored with it. It's like he's trying to mentally prepare for a baby and he wants to understand his role. I am most looking forward to Oliver meeting our new son. It's what cheers me on as we take walks and wait for labor to begin. Hopefully the next blog will be announcing the arrival of Some Really Cute Name We Haven't Picked Yet!

Just a few of the treats Amanda has made for us:

My name is Wealthy.

2010-08-27T12:14:00.000-07:00

I'm wide awake at 3:45 a.m. with thoughts and realizations I want to share. It seems that sleep will not be granted unless I get out at least some of what is overflowing in my mind. As strange as this sounds, the one thing I keep seeing in my mind is my name, Jessica, and it's meaning: wealthy. Except when I see that word is seems big to me. Like WEALTHY.

I believe names hold weight, which is probably why choosing a name for our new son is so difficult. We don't think lightly of the very first gift we give him. Instead we think of how it will affect the way he sees himself and even all the ways he may unknowingly grow into that name. Biblically, names seem to hold great significance, and God has been known to even give new names to those who have been changed or have accepted a new role or calling in their walk of life (Saul to Paul or Jacob to Israel, for example).

Just in the last couple of weeks, I have unmistakably experienced what it feels like to really be Jessica. I feel like God is my teacher and he is pointing quite clearly to the writing on the chalkboard, and my eyes have finally focused on what was just a blur a couple weeks ago: WEALTHY. I believe it now.

I wonder how long I have sat in what seemed like justifiable discontentment. Months? Years, probably. It almost scares me to reflect on that. If I dare look back on my life I see discontentment in friendships, in churches, in my geographic location, in my possessions. Discontentment is unfortunate. It's the opposite of wealthy, really.

To bring all this contemplation to physical form, let me explain the events that led up to this realization.

Almost this entire pregnancy we have been looking to buy our first home. This 2 bedroom rental home is getting smaller as my belly gets bigger. We looked at DOZENS of homes and made a couple offers, and the one question people always asked us was "how is the house hunt going?" because everyone knew that a new home was our intention and hope for the near future. It has been draining and disappointing despite how great the market apparently is for buying. Shane was spending hours searching for homes partly because he looks forward to owning and fixing up his own home, but also because his wife was VERY ready to get out of this tiny house. We recently decided to let go of this goal since baby will be arriving shortly, but mostly because I realized how exhausted I was from trying so hard to change our circumstance. But it wasn't just a goal I let go of, but the future in general.

One evening as I was in tears from exhaustion I realized that there was no more of myself to give toward planning and hoping for a certain future, and I was sacrificing my present time with Oliver and Shane. I kept telling myself that he needed a bigger yard and more outdoor space to enjoy life, but he was begging to enjoy life with me NOW. He was dragging me to his room to play with toys and sit down for a book or movie as soon as I was in the front door. He was clinging to me at bedtime so we could savor a few moments together before sleep. When I realized this (and thank God I did), I started to make myself more at home. I unpacked all of the baby items I didn't think we had room for. My evenings felt longer and more intimate, and I stopped feeling the constant nagging of productivity. I allowed myself to decorate and organize the neglected corners of our home. And our crammed little rental turned into a cozy home of our own. It was like putting on a pair of new glasses and seeing things how they really are. I saw our hardwood floors and the beautiful collection of refinished furniture my husband has labored on. I saw my raw, country-home-meets-third-world decor touching every room. I saw the luxury of two bathrooms and extra cabinet space I forgot I had. I saw our little shaded nook between the house and garage that invites tired feet to the hammock.

I am Wealthy.

This wasn't the end of my realization. God had plans to show me quite evidently a different kind of wealth. A few days ago, my friend Ruth threw me a baby shower and only 4 friends were able to attend. They blessed me with money toward breast pumps which I will most definitely need when I return to work full-time after maternity leave. But these girls surprised me with their gift of words. They each spent time encouraging me as a mother and recalling how they have observed me as a mom with Oliver. They had me in tears as they listed my strengths and commented on the beautiful, well-mannered and happy boy we have raised. And to overwhelm me more, they surrounded me on the couch and prayed over this new life with baby and spoke blessings over our family. I felt like my heart did not have room to hold these gifts and I hope I don't lose or forget them.

Yesterday I was thrown a SECOND baby shower by my coworkers. These women have been my mothers, my aunts and my sisters. They are protective, giving, listening, advising, humorous and honest. They care deeply for me in a way I truly need being so far from my family in Illinois. It was a lovely shower with an abundance of gifts and they even gave me a generous sum to help Shane and I purchase cloth diapers. The food was incredible. So good I had a major urge to hug someone every time I took a bite or a drink. Then they spent a few moments speaking blessings and prayers over me and I could barely hold myself together. My heart somehow made room to receive their words and believe they were mine to keep. I went home to my family (including my sister-in-law, Amanda, who is currently rooming with us) and shared how wonderful of a party it was. It was fun to show them the gifts and tell them about the special time we had. And sometime that evening I was trying to express to Amanda these wonderful emotions and she said something about my being "rich with friendship." I can't stop thinking about that. I have never felt so RICH with relationship in my entire life. I don't know when this happened, but sometime in the last three and a half years I accumulated a WEALTH of friends and extended family in the Northwest.

In the midst of all this I think I lost that old friend, discontentment. And it makes me smile.

2009 Annual Report

2010-07-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

This was fun to put together.

Click to view full screen. Click again to zoom in on a page. Press Esc to exit full screen.

Open publication - Free publishing - More nonprofit

A birthday in status updates.

2010-06-30T15:51:00.001-07:00

Oliver wakes us up exactly 5 seconds before my alarm goes off saying “a meet-meal?” (he wants oatmeal)

I make Oliver oats with frozen blueberries.

Shane runs to the store for milk and then calls me, “Will you start throwing together ingredients for crepes?”

Of course!

Oliver needs to pee.

Shane gets home and finishes making me crepes with hot blackberry filling. YUM.

Oliver wants to snuggle in our bed, so of course I’m going to make time for that. We all climb in and Shane sings me “Happy Birthday” hoping Oliver will join in. But he just smiles. And then blows on me at the end of the song as if I were a cake of 26 candles.

Between phone calls from family and finishing my hair and makeup I finally get out the door for work.

The car radio decided to play an Avett Brothers song making it a PERFECT drive to work (with almost all green lights!).

All I can think about the whole morning is my sister, Olivia, and how much I want to celebrate our birthday with her.

I recall one of our most memorable backyard birthday parties with lots of lights hung in the trees.

She got electrocuted because of a stupid staple in one of the cords.

She survived. It was a great party.

I’m greeted at work by a hug and “Happy Birthday” from Shelly, our receptionist, and colorful streamers hanging from my office door.

I open my email with TONS of Facebook notifications of happy greetings and take too much time reading them and smiling.

Dad calls singing to me in the most ridiculous way possible. Apparently not caring if his whole office hears how ridiculously he loves his daughter. (It wouldn't be a birthday without my dad singing obnoxiously at least once.)

Thanks to the streamers I get a lot of interruptions and random singing throughout the day (a total of 7 times the whole day).

I walk into the cafeteria as people are singing happy birthday to someone else (Sean) – how funny!

Barb is sure to tell them it’s my birthday too so everyone else turns to sing me happy birthday too.

Halfway through lunch Sean brings me his balloons and shares 2 huge pieces of chocolate cake with me.

Shane calls me at work to tell me I got a birthday package and card in the mail from my parents.

He wants to know if he can open it. The answer is NO. Only a Morgan would ask such a question.

It’s make-up day at work (which means nothing to anyone but the ladies in our front office). And I get first pick!

A pink rose.

Lemon tart.

More birthday greetings.

Am I ever going to get anything done today?

Shane calls again and tells me he was going to make me something tasty but realized we had only one egg.

So I need to pick up some eggs on my way home.

Listening to my Avett Brothers Pandora station helps me be more productive.

My mom sings a lot like June Carter Cash. Does she know that? Especially when I hear June and Johnny sing “Jackson”.

Should I call her and tell her?

No, get back to work.

It’s my boss’ wife’s birthday today.

It’s Eddie’s wife’s birthday today.

Volunteer Lynn’s niece was born this a.m.!

I call mom to tell her she sings like June Carter Cash.

Finally finish a couple projects at work.

Stop at the PO Box to check for birthday cards. Yay! One from my in-laws!

Shane tells me to not worry about picking up eggs.

Greeted at home with a little boy holding out his hand with a pretty rose…

…only to have him drop the rose in excitement to see balloons in the back of my car.

We make a delicious grilled chicken fettuccini alfredo meal with grilled Mexican squash.

Oliver is entertained the whole evening with the 9 balloons now scattered all over our house.

Have great, happy phone conversations with both my sisters.

I finish the day eating cherry chocolate chunk ice cream in a hot bath.

Happy 26 years to me and 29 to my sister, Olivia.

[My birthday balloons that were actually Sean's birthday balloons but are now Oliver's balloons]

First place for the first time.

2010-06-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

Our UGM newsletter won First Place for printed newsletter and Best in Show for this year’s annual Media Awards for the Association of Gospel Rescue Missions. We beat some of the largest rescue missions in the country who often hire outside firms for their publications and can afford full color. I just hope our newsletter can offer as much competition next year after redesigning its look to match our new brand!

Here is what the AGRM website had to say about the contest:
"AGRM Media Innovation Competition was launched to recognize rescue missions who were making valuable progress in innovating print and online offerings. Call for entries attracted hundreds of submissions from rescue missions across the country in every budget size. AGRM awarded three Best in Show winners, as well as Award of Excellence, Award of Merit and Honorable Mention prizes for each category at the 2010 AGRM Conference in St. Charles, Illinois May 9-12. Congratulations to this years Media Innovation Competition award winners!"

The winner (a 6 page, 2-color newsletter with a response card and envelope to match):

Our new look for Mission News:

If you want to see an online archive of our newsletters and read what is current go here.

In other great news, our website got third place and we got second place for our Sucess Story.

no doubt

2010-05-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

(I have a tendency to type up something then post it later. This was written 4.30.10.)

Doubt is sometimes a fierce enemy. It arrives so casually disguised that it blends with your family, your work and all common ways of life. It can even become so familiar you start to believe it's your good friend who keeps you reasonable and far from danger. Well, I kicked Doubt out of my house this morning. It started telling me that I was not doing as well as I could, and that my talents were failing me and I wasn't trying hard enough. It's one thing for doubt to keep me from trying something risky...but to try to tell me who I am, and what I'm capable of and what my purpose is??? I can be just as fierce, Doubt. I know you'll probably come back, but I know better now what you look like.

* * * * *

There are a couple of high school seniors who want to raise money for the Mission with a ping pong tournament. They didn't know that UGM had a designer on staff that could help promote their event. One of the boys had drawn up a poster by hand and was going to make copies to hang, but was glad to turn the project over to me. But I told him I liked his poster. There were a couple of things I could help with to make the poster communicate the message more clearly, but I was inspired by his original and playful illustration. Somewhere along the line of adding fresh typography to the poster, I felt thankful for my job and the unique opportunities I get to help others. My projects are so diverse. One might be a direct ask on a billboard to help the homeless and poor of Spokane, and the next is making wallet-size meal punch cards for the guys who come to the Mission hungry. They might not look very exciting next to some of the edgy and new design work out there. And that's usually when I start to doubt. When I read blogs and look through creative magazines I feel rather unoriginal and stale. But the people I design for are so grateful, encouraged and surprised by my work. They feel honored, of all things! They say, "How did we get so lucky to have someone like you work for us?" And I blush because how on Earth do they really think that? They obviously don't look at design magazines and blogs. But I'm their designer. And I love them. And I will bust my butt to do an excellent job on their projects. Their affection for me and my work makes me so thankful for what I do. And if this is where God wants me, he can do wonders with me.

Here is the Ping Pong poster and the banner before I added a couple last pieces of information. Jake and Keinyn raised $150. That will provide 85-90 meals at the mission. I love young hearts for the poor.

How do I live?

2010-05-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

Today I can't stop the tears.

I had an emotional dream and wrote it down in my prayer journal even though it wasn't a prayer. Maybe later I'll share it. I woke up in relief that I was with Shane. That I chose him and he chose me. So much relief that I cried on his shoulder and shared with him the dream. He was relieved as well...mostly that I was crying tears of happiness and not sadness.

But then something else happened. On our way to church someone ran a red light at full speed and missed hitting us by 1 to 2 seconds. They would have t-boned us on the driver's side seriously injuring Shane and Oliver...maybe even killing them. Once again I was flooded with relief. I just cried and thanked God all the way to church and all through the service. Life can end in an instant. But somehow I am still walking this Earth with those I love next to me. How does it make you feel to know that in some cases, our life is completely out of our hands?

Personally, I feel like a piece of glass falling from the sky. Eventually I'll hit the ground. It's everyone's end. But more so, I feel a greater responsibility for what is in my hands. God has given me great gifts. I am thankful, SO THANKFUL. But I am also responsible. My awareness of life and its high value was heightened today. Every second is like pure water to me. How often do I experience life in this way?

___________________
Added later:
Just after I wrote this I read my friend's blog and felt like it was so closely related to what I am going through today. Read it here.

Its a...

2010-04-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

Appeal to my senses.

2010-04-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite subjects for taking pictures is anything in the kitchen. Food, ingredients, table settings, etc. I don't know why, but I get SO inspired every time! It annoys Shane at times because he's ready to eat and I'm saying, "Don't touch it yet! It's so pretty, let me get the camera!"

The ladies I work with had a tea party as a celebration for our hard work on the 2010 Annual Banquet in March. We went to Taste and See which is a non-profit that partners with "local women's shelters to provide temporary employment, to prepare women to re-enter the work force." It's on the main floor of an historical mansion on the South Hill in Spokane which only adds to the atmosphere. I almost felt like I was wearing big long skirts and a colorful hat with white gloves as I walked up the steps. I was so inspired by the details of the house, and the display of finger foods and place settings on the table I could hardly sit down. ...Because I was taking pictures.

Here are some favorites: (I obviously didn't take the third one. But it's a good shot of everyone having a good time and of the whole table.) To see others not posted go here.

Batik in the Suite!

2010-04-06T14:59:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to post these pictures of the SECOND batik added to the walls of the office. My office-roomie, Barb, just purchased this original called "A Father's Blessing". I am so happy that we are adding such beautiful color to our room that needs that constant creative stimulation to keep us producing quality work. Our creative suite is turning into a cultural display of art!

Our next goal is painting the wall behind this batik a dark coffee brown (because the higher-ups weren't a big fan of red).

If you haven't seen the batik on the wall above my desk go here.

Beautiful Day

2010-03-24T15:52:00.001-07:00

I don’t know very many songs that take me back to a specific moment. “Beautiful Day” by U2 came on my Pandora and immediately I was driving home from ballet class my senior year of high school. My muscles were tired but I felt like I was floating. My heart cried thank-yous to God. I did not have a boyfriend (which was one of my greatest longings in that period of life) and my friendships weren’t as great as they used to be. But I felt myself coming to a place that felt like my own. I felt like I knew who I was and understood the unique soul that was given me. And I saw ahead possibly a lonely road. There were things I had to go through on my own and possibly the people who loved me most would not understand. I didn’t understand. I had to experience what it was like to truly hate yourself…and then truly forgive yourself. Of course I didn’t know all this at the time, but somehow in that moment I was okay with all the troubles behind and in front of me. And it’s amazing to have the confidence that you will survive them and God’s love will not falter.

Life.

2010-03-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

I suppose it's time to share this:

I'm 14 weeks along with Morgan baby #2! Baby is due September 14. We'll find out the gender in a couple months. Shane would like another boy. I don't think I have a preference. Little boys are a lot of fun and I wouldn't mind having only boys, but it would be neat to know what it's like to have a daughter. I haven't been sick at all. Just tired and hungry...and maybe a little emotional. :) And Oliver is starting to understand I think. He pats my tummy and kisses and says, "Baby in there." I hope he gets excited. I'm not looking forward to the day I can't put him on my lap because my tummy is too huge. I remember being disappointed when I couldn't sit on my mom's lap when she was pregnant. Mommy's lap is the best seat in the house!

I can't wait to see you, baby. I can't wait to welcome you to our family. We are all in anticipation.

On a more somber note, I said goodbye to my last grandparent on March 4. Grandpa Gregory died almost 3 months after my grandma. And we just found out that Shane's step-grandmother passed away today. Life is a curious and unpredictable thing. It is always coming and going yet it never seems insignificant in any way. It's always hard. It's always amazing. And I can always find peace in God's sovereignty through it all.

Some people say it better.

2010-03-10T13:50:00.000-08:00

I want to share with you some work from a local artist. I found out about her because I use her husband's printing shop rather frequently. I have received a free calendar of her art the last two years and went to a gallery opening of her's last year. Here are a few of her pieces I relate or appreciate the most. Thanks, Melissa Carpenter, for your unique talent and for your heart for the community as well. And thanks, Pressworks, for your professionalism and quality work. You give my work the shine or finished touch it needs!

Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away.

2010-03-03T15:18:00.000-08:00

This is what I came home to yesterday after my slew of emotions. I couldn't even get to the door. We played with the tricycle until we got cold. Go here to see the rest of the photos.

I'm blue.

2010-03-02T16:30:00.000-08:00

My heart is a little achy today. It started last night as I lay Oliver down for bed and he didn't want me to leave his side until he fell asleep. So I just laid there as he played with my hands and murmured "Mommy. Mommy." until his eyes closed and his breathing grew deep. I bawled as silently as I could. And I prayed, "Lord if there is any way I can be a stay-at-home mom again, please make a way." That's the first time I've prayed that or even said it out loud since I started my job at UGM. I love my job and the people I work with and how it has connected me to Spokane. I love how much I've learned about serving the poor and homeless. I love the passion it has given me for others. But there is one thing I hate: being away from Oliver. But I am SO blessed to have a job that will allow me to work from home two days of the week. Otherwise I might not have lasted this long. I am thankful, but I am aching. And I suppose that ache has always been there, but suddenly I can't hold it back and be strong anymore. I've spoken to Shane twice today on the phone and both times he says that Oliver keeps saying, "Mommy, home. Mommy, home." Surely Shane knows this is killing me and making my eyes water and be unproductive! I don't know what's going to happen. Because I don't see myself leaving this job for some time. But I just want my family and friends to know that if there is one thing not so great in my life right now...it's that mother-child separation that people go through at different times in their life. I was hoping I wouldn't experience that pain until he left for college...or even his first day of school. But not now when he's barely able to utter sentences. How am I supposed to stay strong anymore?

Well, my supervisor just walked in and saw me crying. Not what I wanted to happen...but it opened up a really good conversation. I am thankful to have people around me who are so supportive and understanding. I am thankful that I work in an environment where I can comfortably be honest. He asked if I needed to do something. I told him I am not going to do anything right now because I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I have no plans to leave my job. But I am glad he knows how I feel. It makes it easier than holding it all in. We'll see what sort of changes take place in the future, but right now I cannot see what those changes will be.

Batik

2010-02-23T14:55:00.000-08:00

Shane made a beautiful frame for a batik we bought while in Indonesia. One of my favorite days was when we spent time in the market shopping for souvenirs to take home. I especially loved the little shops/homes with batiks and other artwork for sale on the walls. The styles are so different than what I'm used to. Shane is letting me hang this batik (we bought 3 altogether) in my office just to brighten the atmosphere and stimulate those of us in "the creative suite". I also keep the small canvas bag that held my favorite coffee from the Losari plantation to remind me of my adventures in a foreign land.

Skating for Vancouver

2010-01-21T13:38:00.000-08:00

We got free tickets to US Figure Skating Championships here in Spokane. This competition determins who will be placed on the US team for the Olympics in Vancouver. Novice Dance Finals was the event we went to. Pretty impressive and very creative. When I called to tell my mother she said she read in my late Grandma Olive Gregory’s journal that she LOVED figure skating and used to do it when she was younger. I never knew that! I wish I could have told her about our experience.

Here are photos from the event.

Photo numbers 3-6 were my favorite performances. Photos 1 & 2 won the competition. I wish I could have seen Sasha Cohen perform. She’s a name I actually recognize from the days I used to watch skating on television.

It was something I've never experienced live before and may never again. Makes me want to start dancing again. Not sure my 25-year-old joints could handle it anymore. Sad how 25 is old if you haven't danced in 4-5 years and want to start again. Doesn't seem right.

Love > Happiness

2010-01-13T15:18:00.001-08:00

I hate feeling low or sad or unmotivated. Waves of these feelings occasionally come over me and I often cannot figure out why or where they came from. It seems so out of nowhere and I think to myself, “I have no reason whatsoever to feel like this.” It used to really bother me that this would happen because I can’t pinpoint a cause or prevent it from happening. Then thoughts of “am I depressed? do I need help? what’s wrong with me?” annoy the heck out of me and only make it worse. Well, I just had another one of those moments and then I miraculously had a thought that was really helpful to the moment and will be in the future if I don’t forget it.

“So what if you don’t feel on top of the world right now. That’s more than okay. In fact, it’s healthy.”

Oh…well, thanks. I can move on now. That was easy.

I like my feelings. Even the ones that aren’t enjoyable. They are true to life and are a part of what keeps me sane actually. And even if society and the media make us think life is about being happy…it’s not. In fact that is a huge lie that I wish I could erase from this earth. Life is not about happiness. Life is bigger than that, and this past year I have had a chance to really see what is more than happiness. Love. Sacrifice. Jesus even said “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” The greatest man to walk the earth did not live for happiness. That’s awesome. And the reason we receive so much joy from putting the lives of others before our own is because it’s right. Because it is more important and critical than happiness itself. So I’m putting happiness on a shelf and letting it happen when it happens. I’m not going to reach for it. It exists and sometimes it doesn’t. I have more important and meaningful things to pour myself into. ~~Happy~~ Best New Year.

Snippets of Christmas

2009-12-26T12:33:00.000-08:00

Here are a few unique elements from our Christmas day. (Click here to see the rest of the photos)

.steph

2009-12-17T10:55:00.000-08:00

I'm on break at work and just checked my friend's blog to see what's up with her life. She keeps a mostly-photos blog with unique shots of her New York experiences (plus some). Unfortunately the last time I've seen a photo on her blog was over a month ago! So, I am posting two photos I took of my lovely friend the eve of my wedding day to encourage her to post more updates, and to let her know that her online presence is missed.

Come back, Stephanie.

My Release

2009-12-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

All it takes sometimes is a good song to change my whole disposition or attitude. Especially lately when I drive to or from work and I just need to release the load of the day or clear my mind. It would be even better if I could full-out dance on the way home, but I typically keep those moves in my head. The car is my transition from one world to another and I've really been making an effort to not mix the two. My home is my haven of rest and if I don't have that then I won't function right. Here are a few songs that lately really help on that drive.

Fireflies by Owl City

Say it Right by Nelly Furtado

Pocketful of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield

Love Song for a Savior (the new remix) by Jars of Clay

The Real Mary

2009-12-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine is performing in "It's a Wonderful Life" this week as the character of Mary Bailey. I told her that I got to play that part once and that wish I could do it again, but do it better. She has been struggling recently with the character and asked what I would do differently if I had the chance, so I sent her an email in case it might be helpful in any way. I had no idea that when I read over my email again it would sound like I was writing about myself and not Mary. The character of Mary is someone I can really relate to and even learn from today. I love that I wrote this objectively for a friend, but now find personal significance in what I said about the character. First, let me share with you the email:

"I think if I could play the part of Mary again, I would add more humor and boldness to her line delivery and whole persona. I played her too sweet and timid, when really I think she's rather forward and obvious about what she wants. She is proactive and confident without overstepping her role or place as the lady (both in her relationships and in her community). I played Mary before I was a wife and mother. And now I know what it's like to step up and take responsibility in life (especially when others around you are timid and unsure). I think I can relate to her a lot more now and would give her more spunk and energy to the point where she might fight a little more for the spotlight, so to speak. Not because she is needy, but because she is aware and ready for it. She is a much-needed character of stability in this play because George is the one fighting the personal battle.

Alternate-reality Mary is not so complicated in my opinion. You don't have to know much about her because she is supposed to be a stranger. Mysterious, dead to George and the audience. That's what makes that part so sad. I would not be afraid to be disconnected from her because I think that's what she is with herself. Pretty depressed, dull and lacking purpose. She's just the opposite of what the real Mary is.

Hope this helps you. It was fun to reflect a little on that character! I wish you all the best on your performance. You are a wonderful Mary, I'm sure. The more I think about her the more you seem to suit her rather well.

God bless you!
Jessica"

Whoa. First of all, I find myself daily trying to make up for the "weaknesses" in others or do what others are not in order to keep life moving as I think it should. Most of the time I am annoyed at either myself for always taking on that role or annoyed at others for not being more productive or efficient. Not a way to live! But now, looking at Mary, I see how this personality of mine can be very good for the people in my life when it is not an issue of control but rather of love and serving where it is needed. That confidence and forwardness has been very beneficial and is doing a lot of good in all areas of my life and I should not learn to dislike myself because of it (although it shows up in unhealthy ways at times). I also see that the battles others are facing can be very crucial to their walk of life, the lessons they learn and their personal growth.

The other eye-opening part of this reflection is the alternate-reality Mary. I have found myself resorting to daydreaming at the end of the day and also when I am particular depressed or exhausted. It seems like a safe and easy place to go when the world is hard to deal with. I can be whoever I want in my head and accomplish or say whatever I want. But who I imagine and who it would feel good to be sometimes is not who I am or necessarily should be. I think I started to realize this about myself when I wrote: "She's just the opposite of what the real Mary is." Then I read that whole paragraph again as if it were about me and it scared me. I have a very important responsibility and purpose in my real life. That makes the daydreaming life rather unappealing to me now. I love the real Mary. She is a wonderful person who in the end changes the whole story around. Because of her, George and the community are saved. And what's best is that everyone comes together in the end for someone other than his or herself. It's what I want in my life. That ending never ceases to bring me to tears. Sacrifice. Community. Love. That's what is needed most.

The only three good snapshots I could find from the play:

My Indonesian Experience

2009-11-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

October 15, 2009

It's only Thursday, but who knows when I'll have time to reflect and tell my story of Indonesia when we return. Just one more day here, one more in Singapore then we return to America.

I am barely able to stay awake on this couch in Amanda's apartment with the mosques trying to sing me to sleep. Five times a day they try to sing me to sleep. They're hard to get used to, but it's a neat reminder that I'm in another culture altogether. Within the guarded walls of a Christian school it can feel comfortable and normal until I look up at the coconut trees and tile roofs. But once we step outside the gates, all the motor bikes, carts full of crops and dark, curious faces make my heart thump with excitement. I am outnumbered. I am lost. Thankfully Amanda is practically fluent in the language and knows these streets in the dark. But "Mari" and "Ma'af" and "Tirama kasi" connect me enough to all the questioning passersby. They nod and smile and come close to touch Oliver's soft, white skin. He's universally irresistible. He makes me seem approachable and safe. He's my free pass to just about anywhere.

My first impression of Indonesia was the crowded streets of staring faces and the amazingly new kind of traffic. It's amazing because there are no rules other than staying on the left, yet the drivers are so aware and in control. I felt very unexpectedly safe.

October 23, 2009

I finished half of an article in the Voices of the Martyrs newsletter and suddenly felt the urge to continue my story of Indonesia. Those 10 days of Asian cultural exposure awakened something in me I don't think I'll ever be able to let go. My stomach flutters at the thought of seeing more of this continually amazing world. And more than that...I long to live dangerously for my faith. I don't mean that in a naive, romantic-missionary way. I mean that this trip opened my perspective of spirituality and what it means to live whole-heartedly for whatever you believe in.

If I could pick out pieces of this trip to show you, it would be the way it looks to walk down the streets on Java island, the constant spiritual awareness of the culture, the simple yet struggling way of life, and the most amazing coffee I have ever tasted.

Perhaps the reason the streets stand out so much to me is because that is how you get anywhere any day and so that is what I saw most of. Almost everyone owns a motor bike. It's apparently the most efficient way to get around, and to transport your goods, believe it or not. Whether you need to move your furniture to a new home, your crops to the market or your family of five to the nearest mosque, the motor bike will do the trick. And if you see someone along the way who needs a lift, pile them on top. A piece of wisdom I picked up from this trip is: You can always fit one more. I experienced this my first day in Salatiga when we took the angkot to the market (a van with bench seats along the windows so that passengers sit in facing each other). The four of us climbed in when there were already five other passengers in the back. I couldn't help but smile the whole ride as we somehow fit more and more in. And I loved the fact that when I was explaining to Amanda that I felt like this was a ride in a circus clown car that possibly no one in the whole van could understand my language. Suddenly I was a foreigner....and I spoke a cool and different language! I became very aware of the sounds my mouth made wondering how they sound to the Indonesians who keep staring at me.

The next thing I noticed was the open commitment to faith. A young man sitting beside me held a pocket version of either the Koran or the Holy Bible. Two other women in the bus wore head coverings and long dresses. And five times a day(often more than that) voices from all the mosques in the community would call the Muslims to prayer. Instead of feeling separate from these others who held tightly to a different belief than mine...I felt somehow closer to them than ever before. I don't have any Muslim friends or ever get to talk to Muslims. I've only heard about the faith from books or radio or television or school or friends who have been to or live in Muslim communities. It was a surprise to feel such a strong connection to these people. And I think it's because I too live by faith. And our two faiths are similar in many ways. The Jewish and Christian faiths are at the roots of Islam. We are like brothers and sisters who are now walking in different directions praying the others will change direction. I am now hoping to learn more about Islam. Maybe take a class or befriend someone who either is Muslim or used to be. I'm thankful to have experienced and understand better this new connection.

Beyond the outward religious appearance of this part of Indonesia, I learned about the spiritual awareness that is a part of every day life. And by that, I mean the cultural traditions and experiences that include praying to spirits, bodily possession of spirits, physical displays and interactions with spirits. It's not ridiculous or dramatic in this culture. It's everywhere. From the spirit trees that no one dares to cut down to entertaining audiences with demonic-possession. It is a very real and interesting aspect of this place that I wish I could have learned more about. I will have to live vicariously through Abbie (a teacher at Amanda's school and my new Facebook friend!) who's similar interest in this spiritual culture is captured with incredible photography and documentation.

One of my favorite parts of the trip was getting to move outside of busy streets to fields and farms. We walked along footpaths through rice fields and small farms. Saying "Mari" to the workers and chidlren at play. "Turan, turan?" (which means sightseeing) they would ask. Yeah...just looking at your fields and yards and homes and children and animals. They seemed to like our interest in their home. What amazed me is that they harvested all their crops by hand or by plow pulled by water buffalo. This raw, dirty labor is an expected and normal way of life. And watching them made me want to get soil under my nails.

November 22, 2009

I suppose the last aspect I want to tell you about is my coffee experience. It was like inviting myself on a National Geographic or PBS documentary. I took the tours of plantations and stood in the forest of coffee trees breathing in the Jasmine scent of their blossoms and picking the little red beans. I saw them roast the beans over the fire. Then they let us sit under a pavilion with the mountains and tree tops to stare at while we sipped the freshly-brewed coffee in little glasses; coffee grounds soaking in the bottom. On the table was a dish holding shiny, black beans and another holding flakes of palm sugar. Our guide told us you eat the two together. I can't blame my excitement on caffeine. It was the whole atmosphere and experience...and the fact that the coffee I was tasting was indeed the best to have ever passed my lips. I was on the island of Java...and the coffee is no myth. The plantation gave us little bags of the powdery grounds to take back, and it disappeared too quickly. Thankfully, I was able to buy green beans at the second plantation to roast myself at home. Two pounds for $2 US. I couldn't stop grinning. I haven't roasted them yet, since my in-laws left a huge can of Folgers sitting regretfully on my coffee bar. But I love the way my 2 bags of green coffee beans remind me of my Indonesian gift of true experience.

I will close this blog with a quote from a book I am reading called Cross Cultural Connections. It refers to a short-term stay in a foreign country and the slight culture shock you might receive upon return to your home country. The author refers to one's background culture as square, and a foreign culture as circle. "You find mild disappointment in your home culture, but in a couple of weeks the busyness of life consumes you and many of your feelings and thoughts become submerged in being square again." It's a bittersweet time as I reflect on my trip. I wish I could have had the opportunity to become more "circle". It was almost too easy to come home to the American society. I know Indonesia left a mark on me. I just don't know exactly what it looks like and I hope it doesn't fade.

To see photos of this trip visit my facebook album #1 and album #2.

PS - The most common question people ask me about this trip is "How did Oliver do?"
He did great. GREAT. We were complimented over and over on how well-behaved and mellow he was. I think he was made for traveling; or at least adapting. The new faces and scenery were really good for him. He thrives on new experiences. It's sort of scary that he's okay with running off in a different direction without looking back once. But it helps my mother heart to know he is NOT comfortable in strangers' arms. The women especially were drawn to Oliver's angelic looks and couldn't help but stroke his cheeks and blond hair. But he didn't necessarily have the same interest in their skin color and hair. He just wanted to run through their streets and fields. Keep it up Oliver, and you will experience more than I could ever imagine for you.

...for those who are still reading....

PPS - Our very last day of vacation we spent in Singapore with a college friend, Mar, who was able to spend the day showing us what makes Singapore strange, unique and...well...Singapore. I have a hard time knowing what to say about it. It happened so fast, and we saw and learned so much. Tall buildings, mega malls, we talked about politics, the crazy strict laws, we saw China town and little India. We ate really great food for really cheap. But the best part was getting to know Mar more than we had the chance to when we all attended JBU. He's got a huge, honest heart and speaks up when necessary for what is right. He has a hardcore belief system yet the patience and contentment to be used by God wherever he is in life. We hope to see you in the states again, Mar. And if not...I'm sure there's more of Singapore we haven't seen. :) I'm up for seeing Bali too!

Behold Ruth.

2009-09-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

I want to dedicate this blog to my very good friend, Ruth. I could say a lot about this gal...but I'll stick to the main reason for posting this. I just finished editing some pregnancy photos I took of her recently and so I've been staring at her face for hours it seems. And I'm not tired of it! I gotta say, 8 out of 10 photos turned out great because she is so dang beautiful. I don't know if it's the glow of new motherhood or that gorgeous red hair. I hardly had to do a thing in Photoshop to improve these. In fact I decided to play it up a little and be more extreme with the colors and lighting. Otherwise I would have been bored trying to find ways to make these shots look better.

The crazy thing is that my camera is nothing spectacular (although I love it like a pet). It's an Olympus SP-550 UZ and it takes two seconds for the poor thing to focus and snap the shot. But since I am a slow, patient photographer as it is, I don't always mind this (unless I'm trying to take pictures of an almost-2-year-old in low lighting...).

Okay, I'm done with the technicalities. I want to show you some Ruth.

To see more photos and other versions of these go here.

I had more fun that day than I've had in awhile. I loved spending the entire day with Layne and Ruth. Their home is so comfortable and relaxing and we always enjoy just being around them. Since Shane and I are still sort of new to Spokane and not very extroverted, we don't have many friends in the area. But Layne and Ruth are by far our closest friends here. Because of them we had a place to stay before we found a home in Spokane. We found a great church to call home and made even more friends. We don't feel so alone in a "big city" full of strangers and acquaintances. We've cried together, rolled in laughter together and sat in content boredom together. It's a forever kind of friendship I'd say.

To top this great Saturday off, they invited us to stay for a dinner they were making for a Bhutanese family. Layne and Ruth volunteer for Global Neighborhood which is a non-profit that helps refugee families settle safely and comfortably in Spokane. There are a lot of refugees in the area from Bhutan, and this family in particular spent 15 years in Nepal in a refugee camp. We had such a great time getting to know them. Their kids were great entertainment for Oliver (or vice versa) and the food was so good I had big seconds (thanks Ruth!). Shane and I long to immerse ourselves in other cultures. The only way I have experienced this is with people who have immigrated from other countries. But Shane has been overseas several times and is formally educated on relating/understanding other cultures. I love to see him so in his element and long to enjoy more of the world with him. The good news is that in less than two weeks we will be traveling to Indonesia to visit Amanda, Shane's sister! My first trip overseas. I am so, so excited and can't wait to take pictures of that colorful culture!

Well, I got sidetracked a little. But I just want to say one last thing. Ruth, thank you for welcoming Shane, Oliver and I into your life. You are a treasure on this earth to more than just us. I cannot wait for your little boy to finally make an appearance. I want to cuddle with him like you did with Oliver in our cozy little cabin in Idaho. So many memories ahead!

Okay, one more!

Little Oli.

2009-09-24T16:36:00.001-07:00

Oliver.

I like how the tops of your ears slightly stick out. Like mine.
I like how your eyes look amazing when you wear blue.
I can't help but give in when you take my hand and drag me to wherever you want to play.
All I want to do is make you happy and I fight the urge when I know the best thing for you only brings disappointment.
Every little tear of yours pulls me apart inside.
Every giggle makes me feel like a queen and reassures me we're doing okay.
Somehow you hold my entire vault of emotions in the palm of your small hand.
You make me feel completely strong and able, yet completely vulnerable and incapable.
I anticipate and fear your future.
I yearn for your affection, but want more than anything for you to share it with others.
I love the mystery and the contradiction life reveals as I learn to be your mother.

Oliver
originally posted by .hello foto

uGm. A New Mark.

2009-09-23T14:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I write blogs but never post them because I'm not sure I want the world to know exactly what I'm going through. It helps to write out feelings and thoughts and then put them away until later when you can look back on the circumstance and be thankful it passed and life has moved on. Well, I just received a phone call that reminded me of an old blog I never posted. I'll share the entry first and then the good news I just received.

May 12, 2009

I suppose there’s somewhat of a frustration gurgling inside me. I’m brainstorming constantly. I keep waking up in the night with crappy logo ideas and then mentally kicking myself before falling asleep again. I just bought and read through Jeff Fisher’s book Identity Crisis and I learned a lot. But I found a few of the redesigned identities featured to be boring and unoriginal. So, shouldn’t I be able to come up with something not boring and unoriginal if I’m able to identify the ones that are?? But I can’t! All my pages of sketches and hours of creative brainstorming have left me feeling like I’m not very creative and I’m cheesy and boring. So maybe I should just create something that’s expected. Why does it have to be way amazing and completely new and exciting anyway?? Maybe I set a standard for myself that’s too high. A standard I am incapable of meeting.

And the fact that my boss wants to see my progress and be in on what’s going on in my head makes me nervous and frustrated as ever. Because if I were to show him my sketchbook right now or even try to explain my ideas I don’t think I could explain them at all. In fact…I don’t think I even have any ideas! My thoughts are not organized enough to even begin to lay them out for someone. So the whole organization has put their trust in me to create a visual identity. And if you think of how huge of a responsibility that is…particularly for a place that is doing such an amazing work in their community, then maybe you can imagine how heavy my shoulders feel right now.

Ok…simultaneously I am completely aware that God is in this and He is ultimately the One we are putting trust in for our identity. He is the one who gives me creativity, so it is not myself and my own mind I should be leaning on. So, I know this…and I know he has called me to this place and has His hand on me. But how do I keep working and sketching and moving forward with the creative crap I keep producing??? I can design a flyer, a poster, a brochure, a newsletter. But a logo is sooo completely different and encompasses a lot more than just one area or focus of the organization. How can you put everything about UGM into one small mark? I’ve done so much research and so much reading, interviewing, thinking, thinking, thinking. And I’m just waiting for that amazing revelation? Is that ridiculous or what? Persevere.

Back to present time

Well, I did persevere...and I came up with a brand new logo and identity for Union Gospel Mission Spokane. I had that "revelation" in church actually...right after I asked the church to pray for this process I was going through. I doodled on the bulletin because it was impossible to turn off my brainstorming process at that point. It was too easy. But brilliant. And the more I stared at it the more it made sense. The more it told the bigger story of UGM. Well, I've come a long way in a few short months and it has been frustrating to get this logo out there and we're trying to apply this new look to every little detail on the small donation-based income of UGM.

Well, the good news that I received happend to be that a generous investor is donating a large sum specifically toward UGM's rebranding process. Praise God, He is so faithful. We don't have to settle now for the cheapest quality of everything. We're going to put our new look out there and show our best face. Spokane will not be able to ignore the work we do for the poor and homeless.

Lord, make this logo shine. Thank You for always doing great things here and letting me be a part of it all.

2009-09-02T15:35:00.000-07:00

Shane just called me and told me his mom was coming over tonight to stay...maybe for a couple days? I said okay cool, thanks for telling me, I'm busy, gotta go. Then as I hurried to my next task I realized I felt very light-hearted and my mood was instantly better than 2 minutes prior. I was momentarily confused until I realized that I was genuinely excited to see my mother-in-law. WOW, that's a cool realization actually seeing that a lot of women have relationship struggles with their mother-in-law. I'm not saying it's any easy relationship to build for me. But I am SO thankful that I can look forward to seeing her and I don't stress about the way my house looks or how I should act or what food I should have in the fridge. And as I write this I realize how similarly I am thankful for the peace and rest I have with my parents (see my previous post). But it is definitely unexpected to have that with Shane's mother, Karen.

Things I love about Karen:

She is uninhibited about her love for horses and spends HOURS looking at them online.
She fights for what she believes, but allows room for others to speak their hearts.
She almost always insists on buying ice cream or cake or brownies when she visits.
She loves to stock our fridge even when she's as financially tight as we are.
Um, she bought us plane tickets to Indonesia. Not a tiny thing.
She respects our rules and guidelines for raising Oliver.
She completely desires more than anything for her kids to experience life to the fullest and will sacrifice all in order that they do.
Whatever it is....she takes it like a man.

I could go on about this. But I'm just happy that I get to see her today and watch her enjoy Oliver...because I know that's her main reason for visiting and she'll want some special time with him. And since I'm leaving tomorrow for a 2 day Staff Retreat with my work (my first night away from Oliver I believe!) then I'm sure she'll have plenty of special time.

Love ya Mom #2!

anxious to share with you

2009-08-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

I'm in full blown preparation for the first visit from my parents in the Northwest. They should be here by Tuesday, hopefully morning. I really can't describe how excited and anxious I am. I've never had my parents stay the night in MY house. I've never even cooked them a meal! This is their first witness of my role as mother and wife on my own turf. I am so thankful to have laid back parents who rarely have any expectations and take life as it comes. My mother was an excellent stay-at-home mom and kept up with house very well. So I should be nervous about the upkeep of my stuffed-with-messy-boys house. Because I really want my parents to be pleased with where I'm at in life. And if they were any other way I would be nervous. But I know that all they'll see when they walk in the door is their 20-month-old grandson.

Speaking of Oliver...a good way of describing what he's like these days: Where I am, there will he be also. At least when I'm not at work. Whether I'm doing laundry, on the computer, doing pilates, unloading the dishwasher, watching a movie or taking the trash out...he somehow wiggles his way right in the middle of it all. I love and sometimes not-so-love his complete attachment to me. So, all the housecleaning before Tuesday better start now if I ever hope to accomplish it. Which is why I'm online uploading photos to Facebook, listening to Pandora, and browsing friends. I mean, who actually starts cleaning 3 days before company? Really.

super me. little me.

2009-08-04T14:45:00.000-07:00

I’m forcing myself to take 10 minute breaks, late morning and early afternoon, instead of just truckin’ through the day with just a 30 minute lunch to keep me going. Hopefully I can use this time to get my head out of my work world and maybe update this blog????

Well, I thought I’d at least say one thing. Yesterday I felt like a super woman. Super mom, super wife, super employee. The last 2 weeks (probably longer than that) I’ve been so drained with work and as a result a complaining/nagging wife and a boring/unplayful mom. Well yesterday I finally printed a rough draft of a HUGE project (that will change EVERYTHING as UGM knows itself), so I think that’s why I was able to be so super. After only 5 hours of sleep, I went to work for 6 hours, came hope, went on a much needed shopping trip with my boys, left Shane on the couch with a headache that he suffered since morning, made spaghetti and fresh salad for dinner, played with Oliver inside and outside the house, did some laundry, took out the trash, had coffee with Jonathan, tucked Oliver in, and even stayed up to spend some quality time with Shane. All this with joy and enthusiasm and an attitude of thankfulness. HOW ON EARTH DID THAT HAPPEN???

Is there a magic button so I can be like this anytime I want to? Don't you wish.

Honestly…the Lord is my strength. There is no way every I can be like that when I want to be. In fact, usually when I put the pressure on myself to be like that…it gets ugly. God, thank you for pulling me through and helping me fit so many roles and a support so many people. It’s enough to have a family of my own who needs me….but to think of all the people that are depending on my skills at work. All the homeless…all the employees...the community. God, it’s you. YOU make this happen, and you’re always using me SOMEHOW to better lives of others and this world. Measly, complainy, tired little me. Thank you.

A belated Mother's Day post

2009-05-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

I have such a brave, affectionate, imaginitive, strange boy.

It kills me (in a good way) when he does the following:

Finds something that looks somewhat like a cell phone (remote, small alarm clock, computer mouse) and talks on it while walking around the house.

Falls down in the most awkward position, scrapes his knee, and gets back up and starts running again without even a whimper.

Shuts himself in a room and pounds on the door yelling "Dad. Daaad. DAAAD."

Puts his arms around my neck and kisses me right on the mouth. (The best Mother's Day gift ever!)

Does that little bounce and head nod when a song with a nice beat comes on.

Says "no." very seriously and clearly when he really means yes. (he hasn't learned "yes" yet so "no" is the answer for everything.

When he tries on my high heels, or carries around a purse, or puts on one of my bracelets. I can't help but crack up. I love that he wants to mimic me. And yes, he does try on Shane's shoes too...but Shane doesn't have all the fun accessories.

When he gets in trouble for disobeying mom or dad and runs up to cling to our legs repenting in tears and indistinguishable words of apology. (which is a lot different than the typical response of anger and tantrums)

All this to say I couldn't be more proud of the amazing piece of life that grew inside me and is doing his best to grow up and change the world.

Role Reversal

2009-01-08T19:47:00.000-08:00

It sure is different being a career mom and giving Shane the responsibility of the stay-at-home parent. But I really like it. I keep saying this, but I feel so in my element. I feel like I'm flourishing as a person now. I honestly don't seem as drained and frustrated as when I was home every day with Oliver. I loved it...but it was such a challenge for me, and I really learned a lot. Hopefully I'll be somewhat more prepared for the next kid. But I keep hearing that since every kid is so different there's no way to prepare and be ready for it.

Oliver is adjusting really well too. In fact, he's always been able to adapt to his surroundings rather easily. When I say goodbye he just smiles and watches me go. When I see him after work (Shane brings him to my office while I finish things up), he acts like it's all so normal. But he is a lot more cuddly that time of day. :)

Shane seems to really enjoy focusing so much time on Oliver. He's motivated to teach him and discipline him. I think he's realizing how much work it really is though. And that taking care of a kid and keeping house does not leave time for much else. Perhaps remodeling a home will not be as easy as we thought...it will probably be a longer process (which might be better anyway to sit on a house right now while the market is in this state).

All in all, we're really feeling good about the role-changes. Shane is so supportive of my work and says he can't believe how perfect it is for me...for us. We're moving into a small apartment this weekend that will buy us some time before we decide on a home to purchase. There are a lot of changes still ahead...and we're ready.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-01-01T10:15:00.000-08:00

Started my new full-time job at Union Gospel Mission this week. (and LOVING it)

Shane is a new full-time Dad.

Looking to buy a house for Shane to remodel. (currently staying with friends)

Celebrated Oliver's first birthday on Christmas Eve.

Celebrated Christmas with Shane's family and made my first homemade clam chowder.

Enduring Spokane's record snowfall. (Over 60 inches in December!)

Weaning Oliver. (only nursing at night now)

Trying to pretend I don't mind the whiney stage Oliver is going through. (is it a stage...?)

Feeling like time is completely flying right now and I can't possibly keep track of anything.

Totally did not celebrate the New Year...seemed boring this year. (fell asleep at 11:45, woke up at midnight to the neighbors' fireworks, gave Shane a kiss and fell back asleep.)

Kicking myself every day I forget to send out our Christmas cards. (yeah, I still haven't mailed them...they're stamped and in my purse and I keep forgetting they're there!)

Happy New Year. I still love you all even though I'm too busy right now to talk much to anyone.

Illinois, night time stress and emotionally amazing

2008-11-12T21:45:00.000-08:00

So much for regularly updating this thing. Well, it has been a busy month. We spent two weeks in October in Illinois visiting all my family. It was the first time Oliver met them. You see, Illinois is like a vacuum and it sucks people in to where they rarely or never leave. Only few escape. So my family has yet to see where we live in the Northwest. And that’s why they had never met Oliver. It was a very precious 2 weeks though. I felt like a piece of my puzzle finally fit. The family knows how wonderful he really is.

He’s walking now, for those who don’t know. And running. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He just now found me hiding in this dark room with the computer and is begging for my attention in just his diaper and a big grin. So this may or may not get posted tonight. I love to watch him toddle around. Now he’s on my lap captivated by the glow of the screen.

I’d say that motherhood is not necessarily less demanding these days...although Oliver easily entertains himself. The hardest part right now is night time. He’s waking up several times crying and since I’m weaning him from nursing at night, it makes it even more stressful. Last night he woke up about 5 or 6 times. But it could be that his 3 tooth (top left) is poking through. Poor guy. (....poor me!)

I think it’s amazing how close we’ve become. Although he is not as physically dependent as a newborn...he needs me emotionally right now. And that makes me feel AWESOME. In fact, I’m probably a lot more capable of meeting someone’s emotional needs than I am with the physical. I just feel like I’m likely to make a lot more mistakes....like not feed him enough, or teach him the wrong disciplines and methods of sleeping or socializing. But I’m totally amazing at being the one who understands or encourages or empathizes. You probably wouldn’t want to be stuck on a deserted island with someone like me. Unlesss, of course, you would rather talk than eat or survive. Then pick me. But I am a good helper. If you know what to do on the island to survive...I would do anything to back you up and keep you going. Haha....anywaaaayy. Way off subject.

the latest

2008-09-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

Oliver's poop REALLY stinks now. Not that sweet, yellow, smells-like-cheerios stuff anymore. Solid foods change everything.

When I point at something, he no longer looks at my finger but in the direction it's pointing. Smart kid.

His pincer skills are in full effect (this is a little late news). He can pick up Cheerios and pebbles. He even tries to pick off my moles, until he realizes they're attached.

He went to the Nursery during church for the first time last week. Although he's extremely attached to me these days, he's easily distracted and entertained by toys and other people (especially other kids).

I've stopped being bothered by the common opinion that it's bad to nurse your baby to sleep. This has worked so well for Oliver and I for a long time now, and to keep hearing people say that it will be a hard habit to break, and I should start teaching him to go to sleep on his own now was really stressing me out for awhile. But I read an article yesterday that really encouraged me. I was reassured that babies DO learn to fall asleep on their own...just in their own time, when they are ready. It's not something that has to be trained or forced. So, this is where I stand on that for now.

I pureed vegetables and fruit myself this week instead of spending money on Gerber foods, which was tempting and convenient at first. But 30 minutes of my day spent boiling vegetables and using the blender and I have Oliver-meals to last the rest of the week!

Oliver mimics everything now. He copies sounds, faces, and mostly actions. We taught him to clap last week. And he points to the pages in book like I do when I read him stories. He has also learned how fun hide-and-seek is. I run away and hide and he laughs and crawls to come find me. So smart!

And my most common predicament these days is Oliver's constant need to be by mommy (although it's very endearing at times). So he HATES it when I put him in his playpen or blocked off room so I can get something done....or go to the bathroom for goodness sakes!

Little Boy Blue

2008-09-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I noticed how Oliver looks more like a little boy than ever before. He’s losing his babyness. I can’t even point out the things that make him more like a little boy now. Maybe it’s all that gorgeous sandy blonde hair coming in. Maybe it’s because he knows how to get into his own little world and play with his toys and use his imagination. Maybe it’s because he’s sounding like a little boy with all his new words. Even if those words are just “Durhd. Balaaa baa dur dur. Attah ruhcccc. Maaaaaa.” He’s communicating, and it’s adorable. A lot of people told me to enjoy him while he’s a newborn because they grow up so quickly. I did enjoy him. But today as we watched some of the videos from when he was a newborn I realized how much fun he is NOW. He’s so interactive and affectionate as opposed to helpless and inanimate. I love watching his personality unfold. He is so unique! And lately people have been telling me, “It only gets better.” And that’s a lot more encouraging than “Enjoy it while you can.”

a short break from teething

2008-08-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

Lately:

I've realized how difficult teething really is. I never thought I would ever not want to pick my baby up. But he is constantly wanting to be held and it's driving me crazy. (P.S. Don't use Tea Tree Oil on gums. It made Oliver puke. Nasty stuff.)

I had a dream that I visited my friend Stephanie in New York. I woke up thinking that might be a good idea one of these days. But then I realized I'd have to take Oliver with me. Which makes any vacation a completely different story. It could be fun strolling through NY, right? A little different than our wilderness back yard. Speaking of vacations...we booked tickets for Illinois in October. Very excited to introduce the family to little Oli. Whoa...I never call him Oli. Sometimes I say Ol. Which is even weirder. I should stick with Oliver.

Oliver is pulling himself to a standing position now. Amazing.

Creepy Crawler

2008-08-07T15:01:00.000-07:00

Oliver is in constant-change mode. Each day is different than the last. He is now crawling, and his first two teeth (bottom) have appeared! Two major changes for all of us. Yesterday he wouldn't eat any food other than milk, but today he ate every last bite of his rice cereal. I can't figure him out. He's also going through an extreme attachment stage. Every time I leave the room he cries his little heart out. In fact, he cries over everything now. He used to be so content!

At church a couple Sundays ago, Kya, a little girl 1 1/2 months younger than him has started talking a lot....and really loudly. She was fascinated by Oliver and was trying to strike up a conversation with him. But her forwardness and loud voice frightened him and he would cry every time she made a noise. Tears and all. It was highly entertaining. Sorry, Oliver, but it was really funny.

We will probably be moving in the next couple months (to who knows where) because we'll no longer be needed at the ranch. Two more horses left to sell. Then we're planning a trip to Illinois to introduce Oliver to my family. We haven't had a vacation since we've been at the ranch, so we're ready! I'm very, very excited about everyone finally meeting him. Mom, Dad, my two sisters and their husbands, my brother, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and some old friends I haven't seen in ages. It will be a long-suffered desire finally fulfilled. I will get to show everyone my wonderful little family.

Oliver's uncle Jonathan is back in Washington for awhile. He's taking some time off of school. So we'll probably get to see him more frequently. The more family around the better.

There's a video of Oliver posted on YouTube for the world to witness his cuteness. Take a look at him in live action!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2F_LkzMAzU

And of course a picture. Meet Oliver's little buddy, Festis:

Meeting and re-meeting family

2008-07-12T22:56:00.000-07:00

This is Oliver meeting his great-grandma (Shane's grandma) for the first time. He is her only great grandchild. A special day indeed.

He also met his Aunt Amanda for the first time too! She teaches math in Indonesia, so we rarely get to see her. It was one of the best 4th of Julys ever! Amanda is also Oliver's god-mother. It was love at first site for both of them. I hardly see Oliver respond so affectionately and comfortably as he did with her.

And re-meeting Uncle Jonathan! Buddies for life. :)

It was a dreadful noise.

2008-06-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

Before I had no idea how early self-will becomes evident in a child. About a week ago my mother warned that it would be soon when I will notice this "I want, I want...me, me, me!" struggle in Oliver. And a couple days later he started letting out this scream that wasn't the normal I'm-just-making-noise scream. It's usually when he's bored or I'm not focusing my entire attention on him. One of the first instances he was forced to sit in his high chair while Shane and I ate dinner. It was a dreadful noise. And we both recognized it and almost simultaneously got onto him with "Oliver, NO, don't do that." He stuck out that bottom lip which makes my heart sink and want to pick him up (what IS it about that bottom lip??), but I resisted and let him sit and hopefully he realized why we didn't like that reaction. There's not much point explaining with words he doesn't understand why screaming at us with impatience is wrong. So I hope the tone of voice we use is enough of an explanation for now. Logic and reasoning come later.

MAN, how do I know though? Do I really need to go to the "experts" on things like this? I've already tried that on a lot of things and end up doing it a different way than advised almost every time. Every child is so different. And how I want to raise my kids may be by a different moral standard than a lot of the world. With questions like these I usually go to other mothers I trust. My mom, Shane's mom, older women at church. How thankful I am for them. They're usually hesitant on telling me a direct right answer, though. Which tells me that I'm probably going to have to figure most things out on my own...trust my instincts and pray for wisdom and grace.

On a completely different note: I laid out on a blanket in the sun yesterday with Oliver for about 30 minutes just enjoying the gorgeous weather and playing with some favorite toys. Of course I lathered baby sunscreen on every little exposed area of skin and stuck a hat on his head. But he still got a slight sunburn! How thick do I need to put that stuff on?? Babies are soooo sensitive. But thankfully they heal so quickly. But still...my mother-paranoia is getting worse.

And more photos! The first one is on our front porch. We spend a lot of time here when the days are warm and sunny. I just love how goofy he looks. It's such an Oliver look.

And the second one is when I made Shane take pictures because I got a new haircut and Oliver just makes me look less full of myself. Hah. But I ended up really liking this picture of us. He's wearing one of my favorite outfits too. :)

Meet Oliver.

2008-06-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

A little over a year ago Oliver Jackson Morgan was conceived. Jackson is the middle name of his grandfather and late great grandfather. Oliver means "Olive Tree". So does Olive, my grandma's name, and Olivia, my older sister's name. In Scandinavian, which is a big part of his heritage on his father's side, his name means "kind; affectionate."

Oliver is my firstborn and he's only been out of my womb for almost 6 months. I'm sooo new at this.

I am more proud of him than any other accomplishment in life. And if there is one thing I have learned from being his mother thus far, it is that I am really important and totally insignificant at the same time. He has revealed more levels of my humanity than anything else. A talent most likely inherited from his father. :P Actually it's probably just the experience of marriage and parenthood together that make me feel so human. Isn't it weird that it takes something so natural and common in life to convince us we aren't invincible and immortal? This little big-eyed world wonder falls into my lap and suddenly my life is under a magnifying glass. Both my strengths and my flaws are bigger than the mountains I live in. It's no longer the big things that matter in life....EVERYTHING matters.

I'm mainly keeping this blog to regularly update friends and family on little Oliver, and also to talk and reflect on what I am learning as a new mother.

I've broken most of the book rules of new parenthood. I frequently nurse Oliver to sleep for naps and bedtime. I don't brush his gums twice a day. We don't have a set wake-up time (or a set schedule at all for that matter). I'm a breastfeeding mother who drinks coffee and occasionally a glass of wine. Shane takes showers with him, and when he does take baths we don't use a baby seat. And we let him sit and watch movies with us (covering his eyes for the scary scenes of course). So I guess one of the biggest things I've learned so far is that the books are just suggestions. Don't take them to heart and soak them up....be a filter, not a sponge, as I frequently say in life. Because there's no way everyone is right about everything. And every home has its different needs and adjustments to changes such as parenthood.

Our home is particularly one that cannot be compared to "normal" homes. We live in the back woods of Idaho on a Christian horse ranch currently not in use. (In fact it may or may not be sold in the next few months, so who knows where we could be moving to next?) When I say back woods I seriously mean it. We're on 144 acres right on the edge of a huge National Forest. Shane and I are both stay-at-home parents since Shane's job is to take care of the ranch. Sometimes we wonder how this sort of home will affect him in the long run. How awesome is it that he has both mom and dad to teach him, care for him and play with him all day long!

The recent Oliver news:

He's rolling over from back to tummy all the time now. If put on his hands and knees he can balance for about 30 seconds to a minute. He's learning he has large lungs that can produce loud squeals and babbles. He knows when we're upset with him and sticks out his bottom lip. He's starting to recognize familiar faces, and resist strange faces. He's recently obsessed with his own hands and he rotates them and slowly wiggles them in front of his wide eyes. He absolutely adores his own image in the mirror. He's easy to make laugh and loves to play rough. He's content for longer periods of time when he's outdoors. Ever since he was a newborn he has loved to stare at the trees. He now likes to pet Festis, the barn cat and I think considers him a dear friend. He smiles and talks at the pretty ladies in movies. And finally, his favorite words are: "ehhhhhmbAH" "pbtpbtpbt" and "amamama."

Here are a couple recent shots of our Father's Day fishing trip. We lost 3 lures and caught zero fish but had a blast.